Frito and I stopped into The Disney Store today while shopping and I learned that it's probably best for me not to go in there anymore. I...may have committed assault and battery on a stuffed animal. And you have to realize that this is from a girl who still sleeps with her (awesome) raggedy old Winnie the Pooh bear:
(Yes, that's a Winnie the Pooh, and YES, he RULES)
AND who has a whole website devoted to one of her sock monkeys. And who cries when Woody gives Buzz Lightyear the speech about what it means to be a toy in the first Toy Story and also during that whole When She Loved Me song in Toy Story 2 because I was thinking about my toys when I was little and...I think I may have just said too much.
ANYway - my point is that I am a big proponent of the stuffed animal culture. Up with stuffies! That's why it's VERY unusual to find me abusing one, yet there I was in the middle of The Disney Store punching one in the face before drop-kicking her and then beating her on the ground, all the while yelling, "You don't steal someone else's toy, you BITCH!" Oh, hi kids who are shopping in the store that is primarily for them. Please ignore the crazy woman over here who is punching this stuffed friend in the face repeatedly. In my defense, I was punching this bitch, aka Darby from the new cartoon My Friends Tigger and Pooh. I know I already ranted about this a long time ago when it was announced, but now that it's actually real, my rage has been reignited. Darby?! As I said before, Winnie the Pooh is Christopher Robin's TOY, not some lame 6 year old sleuth girl and her dog Buster. She doesn't just get to hang out with the folks in the Hundred Acre Wood and solve crimes. Sorry, DARBY - we already have one of you and her name is Penny and she's on Inspector Gadget. The Hundred Acre Wood and Pooh and his friends all exist because of Christopher Robin. Without him, there is nothing. For as the CLASSIC book (which contains no bitches named Darby) says, "Somewhere in the 100 Acre Woods a little boy and his bear will always be playing." Not solving crimes with some stupid dog and Lumpy the Heffalump. So go to hell, Darby. That bear is NOT yours. And listen to me when I tell you this now - if I see you in the store again, I'm not leaving without your detached head in my hands. Stay out of those woods and leave Christopher Robin's bear alone!!!
Also? Tell Christopher Robin to call me when he turns 18.
Wait, did I just cross a line there?
Some things should probably be just kept in my head. [sigh] Welcome to my world. It's fun here, and there's snacks - although I may get thrown out of The Disney Store for beating up toys if you take me in there. Other than that, there's lots of candy here!
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