Everything's More Fun In Pigtails!

2009 MTV VMA Aftermath & Why I Wasn't Blogging It

Y'all? I can't even hire my TiVo to babysit the VMAs for one night while I go out and do something because it just lets Kanye out to just do whatever his stupidly-shaved head's ass is going to do. GAH. I was all, "Ooh, I have concert tickets for that night, I'll just record the show and watch it the next day - no biggie. It sucked the last few years, so I'm sure I won't miss much." Then I get an ominous text from my brother telling me to wait until I see what Kanye has pulled, but giving me no specifics. I knew it had to be bad, because it actually caused my brother to type "omg" for the first time in his existence. He is 36 years old. ANYWAY - I found out about the Kanye mess when I got home last night and then watched the show tonight and found out that it was actually enjoyable. How did that happen? Well played, MTV. Well played. Since I wasn't around to liveblog, I'm just going to be lazy and give you my thoughts after watching the show tonight and then I'll tell you why I wasn't home last night to see it - here's a hint - it involves a Blind love of mine. Shall we?

- Should I just get the Kanye thing out of the way first so we can move on? Anyone who has read any of my award recaps knows that I do not hide my hatred of Kanye. I've never liked his ass and never will. I'm sure he's talented musically, but nowhere close to the degree that he believes he is. To me, he's the Spencer Pratt of music - he just needs to shut up and go away. Kanye's actually worse because he has success so he can do things like go on stage and be an asshole on TV and ruin and excited 19 year-old's moment. And dear Kanye - Taylor outsells your ass so get lost. Beyonce was all class at the end when she brought her back. Go ahead, girl. And MTV really should have learned its lesson about even inviting Kanye back after he complains about not winning things all the time and vows to boycott. Idle threats! DO IT. PLEASE. Okay, I'm done. Now, on to the other business....

- MJ tribute opening - Madonna looked quite lovely, didn't sound so British and was pretty classy. But still - nothing can top my excitement for Scream with Janet coming out. I LOVE that video. Once again I say, go ahead, girl.

- Russell Brand. I have nothing to say about him actually since I fast-forwarded through every word he said. From what I hear, he wasn't really funny anyway. What's that sound my TiVo makes? Be-coop!

- Taylor Swift on the F train - I was on that exact train one week earlier and no fun dance party broke out. Damn. It's nice to see she's sounding better live, though. Go ahead, girl. (I know, I will stop. Why can't I stop saying that? I don't ever say it. Maybe it's in my head from someone saying it at the salon the other day.)

- Oh, Green Day - you can even get J. Lo on her feet and dancing. Also? I rock that song in Rock Band. Just saying.

- I think it's time to talk about Lady GaGa. I...I have no idea. She's mental, right? That red outfit she accepted her award in? Even Bjork would be like, "No thanks." But let's talk about why they randomly wheeled out a dancer in a wheelchair during her performance while GaGa walked with an arm brace for about 30 seconds. What am I missing? Why are there cripples in the dance number? I just sat there during the whole song saying, "I have no idea what is happening right now." The weird thing is that I really liked the whole thing, I just am so confused. Help me.

- Okay, so I don't really want to admit this shit, but that extended trailer for New Moon looked goooood. Damn. And Robert Pattinson? DAYAM. Totally reminded me of why I have a cardboard cutout of him in my room, watching me sleep. Ahem.

- Beyonce, Beyonce, Beyonce. I liked everything but looking at your ladybits. Seriously, it was like porn when she was dipping it low and grinding. Lower those leg cuts, missy!

- When did Chris Hardwick become the lead singer of Muse?

- What was up with Tyson Ritter of The All-American Rejects covered in glitter when they jumped in with the house band? Is he trying to be a Twilight vampire and sparkling in the light? He looked ridiculous, and he's usually ridiculously hot. Get it together, Ritter.

- And finally, I'm happy to see that Eminem is FINALLY lightening up. Maybe he can give Kanye some tips. Nah, he was never even 1/4 as bad as him.

So those were some thoughts on what I remembered. Barring any events that pop up, I should be here with you on Sunday live-blogging the Emmys, so make sure you come by for that and let me know what you think. I'm VERY excited for NPH. And if Ben wins for Lost.

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Now - why wasn't I home for the VMAs last night? Why, because I was at the American Idols Tour seeing Blindy. He was honestly the reason I went - remember, not so much musically but just because I love his awkward, adorable blind ass. I want him to be my best friend. Paul? Not so much:



But we had fun the rest of the night (except for me almost vomiting during Adam Lambert's set. Ugh.) and were quite happy to find that we weren't the oldest people there without children by a long shot. Yay, we're not creeps!



...Or are we since we went outside by the buses after the show? If so, then we were 3 of MANY creeps out there, almost all without kids so I felt better. Most were there for Adam (again, gross):



Paul wanted me to get a picture of him for him and I tried to resist, saying my camera was going to get herpes, but I took the risk. I do have to admit that he seemed like a vey nice guy and not as pompous as he was on the show. Still, gross. He was gyrating during the show and making me sick. Not in front of the kids, Lambert. We also caught glimpses of Anoop:



Matt:



Allison:



Megan, who I didn't get a picture of, but who was gorgeous, and Mr. Danny Gokey, who won my prize of best singer of the night. Seriously, he blew the roof off the joint. Cute, too:



Kris, Lil and Matt hadn't come out by the time we left, but we didn't care because I was only back there for one person and one person only. BLINDY. And he didn't disappoint me. He and his mom came out and she walked him around - he took his time going down the line of people and she would hand him things to sign and guide his hand to give out many of the high fives people were asking for. Oh, Blindy.



The only bad part about the whole "waiting by the bus" thing was that all of the idols were behind a half stone wall and there were so many people out there that if you were more than 3 people back you couldn't get near them. They just came out and signed stuff, so there was no opportunity to have your picture taken with them. But do you think that would stop me from trying to get my picture with my Scotty? Oh, no. I would find a way, even if it was an unconventional shot. I enlisted the help of Paul, who called to Blindy to look his way and smile. Blindy obliged, and now I have this:



Yay!

In the immortal words of one Mariah Carey: "If you believe in yourself enough and know what you want, you're gonna make it happen." Go ahead, girl (SORRY!!! No more!)

2009 MTV Movie Awards: The Liveblog

Welcome, welcome. My, it's been a while since we've done an awards show together. Was it the Oscars? I believe so. Let's see if I can get back into the swing of things here.

So - MTV Movie Awards, aka the MTV Awards show where I actually know who almost all of the presenters and performers are. Will it be fun? Will Andy Samberg break out a laser cat? Will they ever be able to top the Lifetime Achievement Award given to Chewbacca years ago? For those of you keeping track at home, the answers to those questions are: maybe, possibly, and God no, are you kidding me? That Chewbacca thing was the greatest.

Hey, remember when Courtney Cox hosted this and she played the drums at the beginning? Am I making that up? I think that happened. Good Lord, I'm already loopy and this thing hasn't even started. Let's do this bitch - two hours with updates every ten minutes or so. Comment along with me if you'd like! And in the spirit of the subject of the awards...ACTION!

- Oh God, the screaming for Twilight has already begun and we're only a minute in. I'm already thinking of taking back what I said about this maybe being fun. That is going to win everything it's up for isn't it? Have I discussed Twilight here before? I don't think I have. Here's the thing - I haven't read the books, so I'm not as well-versed in the Twilight thing as people are. The only thing I know about it is from seeing the movie opening weekend and I hated it. I was bored, bored, bored. Jasper was hot, though. So just know that going forward. Anytime they win shit, I'm most likely rolling my eyes. Carrying on!

- Is the target audience for this show going to get this reference to The Reader? I kind of feel like young kids shouldn't see that movie for fear of them being scarred by shot after shot of Kate Winslet's creepy nips.

- Thank God Paul isn't over while Andy Samberg is telling them it's okay to fart tonight.

- MMMM, Zac Efron - maybe this won't be that bad.

- Ashley Tisdale's shoes are AMAZING. Sharpay would be so proud.

- Megan Fox is hot and all, but that hair! It looks like she just walked out of the shower. Girl, come on now. Nice Louboutins, though. Am I all about the shoes tonight or what? And say what you will, but I am very excited for the new Transformers movie.

- Am I the only one who feels like The Dark Knight happened so long ago?

- Shia kind of looks like he's going to rape someone. Sketchy.

- Poor Robert Pattinson getting screamed at everywhere he goes. You'll always be Cedric to me, Robby Boy.

- Do I really have to recap Eminem? Nah.

- Keyboard solo, J.J. Abrams! Nice.

- If Edward Cullen doesn't win breakthrough performance, I'll...eat my hat? Do people still say that? No matter, he won anyway.

- Bruno - Sasha Baron Cohen has a death wish doing that to Eminem. Oh lordy.

- Efron! Yum. What? He's 21 now.

- I enjoy the Ryan Reynolds. That's all.

- More people should have seen Wanted - that movie was fun.

- Loving the Andy Samberg song montage. Who knew Leann Rimes had it in her?

- Hayden, oh no. No. No rapping.

- Following the WTF Award, WTF is Leighton Meester wearing? Girl, take some tips from Blair.

- Miley is so annoying. Get away. ("IT"S MILEY!!)

- Commercials: Dear Danny McBride - at this point, I'll see just about anything you're in.

- Kristen Stewart is so thrilled to be everywhere. Girl, stop it. Grin and bare it. Look at Zac Efron! That should make anyone smile.

- The new Twilight clip - that werewolf looks RIDICULOUS. But hey, Jasper!

- Ben Stiller gets a big award and not ONE moment of Heavywights is shown in the clip montage? Lunch has been cancelled due to lack of hustle, indeed.

- Keifer is looking so put-together tonight - I'm not sure I like it.

- Commercials - Sims 3 - sorry to my friends, but you may not see me for a while.

- My Sister's Keeper - I can't even watch the trailer without tearing up.

- McBride and Ferrell? Yes, please.

- Best Villain, Heath Ledger - not given out live? BOO. C'mon, that was ripe for a Cillian Murphy appearance.

- Best picture coming up, and let's not even bother with wondering what's going to win - Twilight, yo. This could have been such a HSM3 year if it weren't for those damn vampires. Now someone go and buy those kids some combs.

I guess that's it - pretty uneventful this year due to the bloodsuckers. Samberg was fun.

See you next year, y'all!

Oscars 2009 - The Liveblog (sort of)

Hello!!! Getting ready for the night of nights, the night of nights tonight....

Welcome to my favorite awards show of the year, The MotherEffing Oscars, baby. I say this will be a sort of liveblog because I'll be blogging during commercial breaks as I must focus all of my attention to the show. That's just how I roll with the Oscars, people. It's sacred territory. Anyhoo, stick with me and leave comments as we go if you've got something to say. Let's all liveblog together! Can you feel the love? Can you feel the excitement? Can you tell me why Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are going to be performing with Hugh Jackman? Can you believe that I'm actually excited about that? (PLEASE let it have something to do with Rob Lowe and Snow White dancing together.)

ANYWAY - it's time for the show, let's get this thing started! (P.S. I've got a 7-way Oscar pool going tonight so the stakes are high! Who will win in the battles of Penn/Rourke and Streep/Winslet? Why is Zac Efron performing again?)

- Hugh Jackman, looking FINE. Damn. Cute opening number - we may have something here.

- He-llo James Franco. Damn squared.

- Best Supporting Actress with 5 from the past - cool idea, but if they do this for every category we're going to be here all night. Penelope Cruz takes it, and my brother and I are both on the board.

- Bless you, Tina Fey and Steve Martin. Steve Martin was still one of my favorite hosts.

- That guy who wrote Milk is a cutie - too bad he doesn't like the ladies.

- Ugh, Jack Black. Gross. And come on people, did you have to go there with showing Brad and Angelina when Jennifer Aniston was presenting? You're better than that, show.

- Am I the only one who wanted to see Space Chimps after the Animation 2008 montage? Yes? Oh.

- Did the Japanese man who won for short-animated film winner really just thank his pencil? AWESOME. Oh my God, and then he ended his speech with, "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto." BEST. SPEECH. EVER.

- Costume design: always go with the period piece, people.

- Robert Pattinson - you're at the Oscars, man - look alive! Hi Lily Kane! Romance in 2008 montage - heavy on the High School Musical 3 which = awesome.

- Ben Stiller as wacked-out Joaquin Phoenix - okay, that was funny. You know what else was funny? Most of Heavyweights - rent it, people.

- "Please welcome Jessica Biel." Somewhere on the other side of the country, Eric is throwing up right now, I guarantee it.

- Comedy 2008 film with James Franco & Seth Rogen - good stuff. Ooh, and here they are! James Franco in a tux...[thud]

- Big musical number with Beyonce, the stars of Mamma Mia, and Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. Why does Beyonce never wear pants? Also? NOT ENOUGH EFRON. But damn, he looked good in that tux.

- Best Supporting Actor - Why is Philip Seymour Hoffman wearing a toque? I love you Robert Downey, Jr. Ugh, John Mayer sitting next to Diane Lane and Josh Brolin.

- This Heath Ledger thing and the guys in the audience with tears in their eyes is killing me.

- Bill Maher? WTF?

- Is the Man who was on the Wire really doing magic up there? My dad would totally do that.

- Hugh Jackman makes a Francois Truffaut reference and I have an unpleasant 400 Blows flashback.

- Why is Will Smith rising out of the floor like NKOTB? And why did I think of them first when I thought of people who rise out of the floor? Remember when they used to rise out in that white box and it flashed their cartoon characters on it? No? Oh.

- I just noticed that Will Smith looks like he's sporting some Soul-Glo. Now that song is going to be stuck in my head all night. But seriously, his hair is SHINY tonight.

- Enough Will Snith already. Bring back Efron or Franco. Better yet, bring up Robert Downey Jr.

- Eddie Murphy, fast-talking his way through the humanitarian award. That's the way to do it, sir.

- Jerry Lewis, keeping it brief - nice! However, that means my designated "special award snacktime" has been cut short.

- Efron presenting! And looking strangely like a young Jordan Catalano. But I still don't believe that is Alicia Keys with him. What happened to her? Oh, who cares, let's look at him again. Mmmm. Man, I am such a creep.

- This original song montage is snack time.

- Jai Ho is no It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp.

- Lucy has just texted me to tell me that Alicia Keys looked like a Vulcan. She said Zac Efron probably left her behind at the top of the stairs because he didn't want to touch her because Vulcans can mind meld. Totally.

- I'm sorry, this foreign language film winner's speech is fantastic. The Japanese should accept every award. I love this.

- I usually leave the fashion stuff up to the experts, but I LOVE Reese Witherspoon's dress.

- "We're going to finish the show on time this year." Yeah, okay.

- I seriously want Sophia Loren's body at that age. My God.

- Kate Winslet, FINALLY. Yay!

- Best Actor - Hey, isn't Anthony Hopkins a Sir as well? I love Michael Douglas's shiny tie. It's like Will Smith's hair! Ooh, Adrien Brody is looking homeless.

- Robert Pattinson is sitting behind Mickey Rourke, threatening to EAT MY SOUL.

- And Slumdog for the win, which - come on, who didn't see that one coming?

And that brings us to the end of yet another Oscar night. The show was fast-moving and enjoyable, and Hugh Jackman was a quite capable host when he was on, which was rarely. I enjoyed the new way they did the acting categories as well as the set-up of giving out the awards in the order of which a film is made. Clever, and it worked.

Oh, and Lucy totally kicked our asses in the pool, so big ups to her. See you next year!

2009 Golden Globes Live Blog

Welcome, welcome to the live blog of the 2009 PARTY OF THE YEAR. People, it is all downhill after this. It's so nice to have the Globes back after last year's press conference as it is one of my favorite awards shows, so welcome back, Globes.

Joining me for the live blog tonight are special guests Paul, David and The Professor. This should be interesting. Look for updates every ten minutes or so, and please - comment away if you've got something to say. And David has already been warned about the high likelihood of a Tom Hanks appearance, so be ready. Let's do this.

- Those Pussycat Dolls sure do like to open the show, don't they? When I grow up, I want to be a glorified stripper, mommy.

-Oh, hi Jennifer Lopez and Best Supporting Actress - Kate WInslet!!! Yay! Now someone please give this woman an Oscar already. Criminy. God, she looks gorgeous.

- PAUL: Is that Rumer Willis?
PAM: Yes, she's Miss Golden Globes.
PAUL: She looks like a man.

- Sting, looking like a TOTAL CREEP. Shit, what the hell, Sting?

- Best Original Song - PAUL: This one needs to win just because it's Miley Cyrus.
Oh, Paul.

- PAM: Ugh, I hate Bruce Springsteen. He can kiss my ass. Look at Mickey Rourke, he is such a hot mess.

- Helloooooo, Simon Baker. I want Eva Longoria's dress.

- Rumer Willis - PAUL: Oh, you f*cking ugly piece of shit. Oh, don't be all proud of her, Demi.

- Tom Hanks sighting! David is shaking his fist like no other.

- ...And we have Paul's first fart of the evening. THIS IS A FART-FREE ZONE!!!!

- DAVID & PAUL: Whoa, Drew Barrymore!
PAUL: She looks like she drove here with her head out the window.
DAVID: She looks like she just blew somebody.

- Zac Efron gets announced. PAM: Hold up, I need to pause this to give it my full attention.
DAVID: I hope he bust out with a dance number.
PAUL: Somebody's going to throw him a basketball and he's going to bust out some Getcha Head in the Game.
The PROFESSOR: He's wearing his basketball jersey under there.
PAM: Oh my God, he's totally going to sing Scream.

- Gabriel Byrne? Wah. Denied the Laurie!
DAVID: I so wanted Jonathan Rhys-Meyers up there.

- Zachary Quinto, looking FINE, unless you are Paul, who is offended that someone said he looks like him. Someone tell him that is a compliment - he's very upset. Paul, Sylar is HOT.

- Anna Paquin wins - DAVID: That's because she gets naked.
PAUL: Show a tit, get an award!

- I have just issued a Robert Downey Jr. is off-limits rule after Paul and David made rehab jokes at his expense. You do NOT touch the Downey.

- Ricky Gervais, with a drink in his hand - who is he, Kid Rock?

- EVERYONE: Why are the Jonas Brothers at the Golden Globes??
PAM: They are not attractive.

- Commercials - lengthly poo dollar discussion ensues. We are so classy.

- JOHNNY DEPP. Once, again, off limits. "And the Golden Globe goes to...." PAM: My vagina.
PROF: Pam can't go an hour without saying "my vagina."
PAM: True story.
PAUL: Rumer Willis, you ugly dirty bitch.
Still no idea what Paul's deal is about Rumer Willis.

- Okay, Sally Hawkins is cute and all, but where is the orchestra? Wrap it up, lady. If Dick Clark was running this, this would not be happening. He cuts off Frank Sinatra, because he is a GANGSTER like that. Mmm-hmm.

- DAVID: We should go see Happy Go Lucky this week. I heard she shows her business.
PAUL: Yeah, but she looks like Amy Winehouse so she probably has a dirty Winehouse cooter.
EVERYONE ELSE: AAAAGHHHH!

- Jake Gyllenhaal, too? This room is FULL of hotties. Good Lord.
DAVID: Why am I not in that room right now? Why am I here?

- Drew Barrymore - girl, that hair. But that dress is divine. I'll leave the hair up to my friends The Fug Girls.

- PAUL: Oh, f*cking P. Diddy. Get the hell out of there. [FART] That's what I think about Cranford.

- Tom Hanks! - David is currently holding up a knife to my TV.

- Demi Moore - PAUL: Oh, don't you even talk to your ugly daughter.

- Best Supporting Actor - First of many Heath Ledger awards. I still get a little misty. Ooh, GOB! Love you, Will Arnett.

- DAVID?: Colin Farrell, oh he can spit on me. Mmmm!

- PAM: If Tony Shalhoub wins tonight, I'm leaving.
PAUL: You live here.
PAM: Exactly.

Commercials - conversation about getting hookers on Craigs List ensues. We remain classy.

- Fart #6 - THIS A FART-FREE ZONE, Paul!!!!

- PAM: Why isn't Teeth up for anything? VAGINA DENTATA!!!!

- Alec Baldwin!! Thank you. In your FACE, Shalhoub!

- Renee Zellweger - PAM: Whoa!
DAVID: Shit, Renee.
PAUL: I love you, Renee, but not like this.

- Megan Fox, I might go gay for her for an hour or so. Angelina, too.
PAUL: She looked better on Hope & Faith. I just mentioned Hope & Faith and The View all within a minute.

- Tracy Morgan - fantastic speech. "Deal with it, Cate Blanchett!" Love it.

- PAUL: Pierce Brosnan, please sing for us.
EVERYONE: NO!

- P. Diddy gives out an award. PAUL: Oh, f*ck this shit. He and Rumer on the same stage, this is bullshit.
DAVID: Why hasn't he been shot yet?

- People, we are up to fart #10. We are at DEFCON FIVE HERE. Paul is not invited to the next awards show viewing.

- It is universally agreed in the room that Tina Fey rules.

- Commercials - PAUL: Does anyone want to tickle my feet?
EVERYONE ELSE: [silence]
DAVID: I'll tickle your prostate.
PAUL: I might poo a little.
DAVID: It's nature's lubricant.
EVERYONE: Ew!

- Steven Spielberg award = break time. Here's some photos from the night so far:











The farts, people. The farts.











For Catherine:



- Commercials - Multiple orgasm and Cialis discussion - classy still.

- I want Emma Thompson's shoes, y'all.

- The farts, people. I have to sleep in this room tonight. I may die.

- James Franco isn't there? Robbed of the Franco? Dammit.
DAVID: Colin Farrell can punch me in the face anytime. The things we could do with that Golden Globe. [whispering] Take off your pants.
PAM: He probably has things crawling on him, though. He's been around.
DAVID: I don't care - that's why they invited Rit.

- Best Actress, drama - PAM: Angelina Jolie can Changeling into my pants.
DAVID: Meryl Streep can get in mine. Mmm.
PAUL: She got robbed for Mamma Mia!
Winslet with the double - NICE! Yay!

- Susan Sarandon, always has to be poppong those boobs out. Put those away, Sarandon!

- Oh, Darren Aronofsky - please shave that 'stache.

- Mickey Rourke - when you start thanking YOUR DOGS, it is time to get off the stage.

- Commercials - golden shower and "double stuff" conversation ensues. Getting classier, folks.

- Slumdog Millionaire, and we're out. Fart count: eleventy thousand. I can't even.... Here's some more pictures from the rest of the night along with a special Golden Globes viewing edition of The Paul & Pam Show. Goodnight, y'all!











He is biting his toenails, people. NASTY.











Ladies and Gentleman, the Pregnant Transman.





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Paul & Pam Show - Episode 4

My head cold makes me VERY hard to understand. Sorry, y'all!

2008 Emmys, aka "Really, Emmys? Really?"

Okay, so there was no liveblog of the Emmys last night for a number of reasons, but one of the main ones is that I didn't return home until 30 minutes into the show. I hadn't set my TiVo for it, so I missed the first few awards and when I went online to see what I had missed, I was QUITE pleased to see that I had missed Effing Piven winning again. Really, Emmys? No love for NPH? I may have thrown something out my window had I been home to witness that injustice. The Vanessa Williams/Kristin Chenoweth loss would have been a little rough as well, but I would have soldiered throught. But then - oh. People, I don't even know - I probably would have maimed someone had I been home to witness that hard-core robbery going on in the supporting actor in a drama category. HOW did Michael Emerson not win that? OUTRAGE!!!! REALLY, EMMYS? You should be ashamed of what you have done. ASHAMED. So once again, good thing I wasn't home. Now all of my property is in good shape and no one is disfigured because of me.

I ended up watching the rest of the show by just zipping through and only stopping to watch the categories that I cared about (sorry, all of the mini-series/movie categories). So the direction on the finale of last year's House was award-worthy, but not the script? Really, Emmys? And don't even get me started on Hugh Laurie being passed over AGAIN. There is no reason why that man should not have gotten an Emmy by now. All these years and nothing? Really, Emmys?

On the flip side, I did enjoy the always-entertaining nominees montage for writing for a variety, comedy or music program (I think Colbert won the best nominee montage this year). And then there was the matter of Jeff Probst looking all kinds of hot. He also deserved that award along with Phil Keoghan, but since he wasn't even nominated, I was happy with the Probst win. However, my 2008 Emmy Awards heart belonged to Josh Groban and his ode to TV theme songs. That made my night. Oh, Joshie. You can always make everything brighter.

So in summation: most of the night was a yawnfest, so I may just do the TiVo thing again next year since The Emmy voters have somehow not been watching the right TV shows and are also under some sort of spell by Jeremy Piven. Thank God they snapped out of their Tony Shalhoub spell. But really, there were not enough yay! wins to make up for all of the "Really, Emmys?" losses. So I guess the bottom line is this: really, Emmys?

P.S. Next year, more Groban.

2008 MTV Movie Awards - The Attempted Liveblog

Okay, let's see if we can get through this - I honestly don't know if I'll make it if there is a lot of Mike Myers and Love Guru crap, but I shall try valiantly. (Updates every 10 minutes or so.)I'm watching this with my brother, so hopefully he'll keep me sane. Let's do this:

- Opening - Oh, Mike Myers - I remember when you were funny and relevant. What the hell happened??

- Chris Brown - BRO: What is that outfit? What is this, the Michael Jackson reunion/victory tour?

- Dance Off! - Well, who doesn't enjoy a good dance off? Especially when there is The Robot involved.

- Jason Bateman! I will see anything he is in.

- Glad to see Ellen Page got all dressed up for the occasion. I know it's the MTV Awards and all, but couldn't you have found a shirt that wasn't ripped?

- I like the exterminator guy!

- Okay, so it's only 10 minutes in - who do you think will swear during the live broadcast? I'm going with Andy Dick. BRO: If he's there. ME: He's ALWAYS there.

- Will Ferrell always makes everything better - let's see if that stays true tonight...and...yes.

- Best Fight - Never Back Down? What is that, and why does it look like Fight Club? And it won? Wait, what the hell is that movie? Why have I never heard of it? Who are these people?

- Hi, Zac Efron! BRO: And his fake girlfriend. ME: Who looks exactly like Mila Kunis.

- Paris Hilton and Benji Madden - gross.

- Edward Norton! I love him. BRO: I can't believe he's actually doing promotion for The Hulk. ME: I love him and all, but that movie looks questionable. Why can't they just use Lou Ferrigno again?

- Coldplay. Snack break!

- Commercials - Ugh, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt - I've never even seen The Hills and I can't stand their asses. AAAGH! Pete Wentz! As if they couldn't make it any worse, they just did. BRO: It's pretty sad when MTV has to make commercials promoting the fact that they play videos now.

- James Franco! If you haven't seen his hilarious 'Acting With James Franco' shorts, get thee to Funnyordie.com RIGHT now. Oh damn, it was Franco dropping the 'shit' first. Who would've guessed that one? Man, he's hot.

- Robert Downey, Jr.! Yay! My mother's friend is a big moviegoer, and she didn't want to go see Iron Man because she doesn't like Robert Downey, Jr. Who doesn't like Robert Downey, Jr.?? That's Un-American! Ooh, Favreau just referenced Chewbacca getting the Lifetime Achievement Award a few years ago - that is still my favorite Movie Awards moment.

- BRO: Where's Dane Cook? Doesn't MTV love him, or have they finally figured out that he's not funny?

- First Mike Myers post-commercial short - ...And not funny. As expected. This is endless.

- Jennifer Hudson and her GIANT rack. Girl, put those things away!! She's also either an Amazon or else Sarah Jessica Parker is 4 feet tall.

- BRO: Where's Shia?

- Will Smith, Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler just win whatever the hell they are up for when it comes to these shows. Come on, people - Cera should have won that.

- Commercials - Wanted - I can't wait to see that.

- Wayne's World?! Okay, for once I can say...YES! Love Dana Carvey. Mike Myers should just host like this the whole night and then we wouldn't have a problem. Is it too late for the producers to just change it over to this all night? Zac Efron has no idea what is going on right now. Awww. So young! Mike Myers - please just do this all night long.

- What the hell is Anne Hathaway wearing? That is in no way flattering.

- Johnny HOTNESS Depp, looking young and AMAZING. Wow. I...he...wow. I love all of the women stars flipping out in the audience. Diablo Cody, girl - rush that stage!

- Tom Cruise presenting Adam Sandler with the MTV Generation Award - have we time-traveled back to 1996? MTV is always so late in the game. Tom Cruise looks young, man. He looks like Top Gun Cruise right about now. Maybe we have really time-traveled. Stop calling him "Sandman." Please. I love that they included a clip from Remote Control in the Adam Sandler montage.

- BRO: What would Rob Schneider do without Adam Sandler? He'd have no career.

- Commercials - Oh my God, I HATE this Secret commercial with the confident girl raising her arms. BRO: I'm going to punch this girl in the face. That old man is thinking, "You bitch."

- Tropic Thunder promo meeting short - okay, this is really funny, even if Jack Black is in it. You know why this is still funny with him in it? Because Robert Downey, Jr. is MAGIC. Tropic Thunder looks funny, too. This is proving why Robert Downey, Jr. was once a cast member on SNL. Stiller, too. I still love Ben Stiller's show that was on FOX. He needs to bring that stuff back, because The Heartbreak Kid was AWFUL. Like, I was personally insulted awful.

- P. Diddy is endlessly annoying.

- Breakthrough performance - gotta be Efron. Yup! Tweens wouldn't let their boy lose. Bet On It should win him EVERY award, in my opinion.

- Best Villain - gotta be Depp. Yes! Girls in the audience? Still going apeshit. Depp? Still looking foxariffic.

- Pussycat Dolls - BRO: This song kind of sucks, huh? ME: Yup.

- Rainn Wilson! Side note about his upcoming movie, The Rocker - I have to see it because Teddy Geiger is in it. Anyhoo, Best Kiss - gotta be Juno. Step Up 2?? What? This is ridiculous. BRO: What the heck is that movie? Who are you people?

- Mike Myers animal wrangler short - he is the worst part of this whole thing. Elijah Wood - you should know better than this.

- Robert Downey, Jr. and Ben Stiller should do more things together - they bring out the best in each other.

- National Treasure 2 is up for best movie? Seriously?

- Megan Fox with the f-bomb. Didn't see that one coming, either.

- It's over? Wow, that actually wasn't too bad. At all. Mark Burnett produced it?? Maybe that's why it wasn't that bad. And, to quote my brother, "At least Mike Myers didn't do the Love Guru." AMEN. See y'all next time!

- WAIT - where was Andy Dick??

2008 Oscars - Quick Notes

Since I am sick and did not do a full recap of the Oscars this year, I do feel the need to chime in with my two cents about a few quick things (overall, the show was relatively boring, but I did enjoy a few of the upsets):

1. MILEY CYRUS??? - Why, why, WHY was she a presenter? Does her concert qualify as a movie? Because I think not. Her inclusion is reminiscent of Diddy's a couple of years ago. WTF, Oscars? You couldn't have thrown me a Casey Affleck bone here?

2. Regis calling Javier Bardem "Xavier" - I didn't watch most of the pre-show, but I did see the last two or three minutes, which concluded with Regis Philbin going up to Javier Bardem and addressing him as Xavier Bardem. Why do we let Regis near these things? He should really stick to his fluffy morning show where his viewers are MUCH more forgiving of his mistakes. And really, he's doing the Oscar pre-show and doesn't know the name of the shoo-in for best supporting actor? I WANT HIS JOB NEXT YEAR.

3. The Best Song noms - I believe this is the only category this year in which I saw all of the nominees. (Yeah, I saw August Rush - I will see ANYTHING that Keri Russell is in. Also, I love Freddie Highmore, but prefer him with his natural British accent.) Anyway, I was disappointed to hear that Amy Adams was only going to be performing one of her two songs from Enchanted. However, I was quite relieved (and thrilled) to see that La Chenoweth would be filling in for her on the second number (and not, say, BEYONCE. Remember that year when she sang everything for no reason? I still shudder thinking about it.). I do love me some Chenoweth. Also, I was pleased that the song from Once won - that song was my favorite part of that movie.

4. Helen Mirren's dress - That thing was awesome.

Other than that, I don't have too much to say since I didn't see most of the nominated films and performances in the major categories. Out of all of the acting and best picture nominees, I saw 4 of them: Juno, Ellen Page, Johnny Depp, and Amy Ryan, so I can't really weigh in on who won/who I thought should have won (although Amy Ryan was kickass, and Johnny Depp needs to get an Oscar at some point - although he probably should have gotten it a few years back for Captain Jack.).

So what did y'all think? Erin G. is calling shenanigans on No Country's win for Best Picture - what about you?

No Oscar Liveblog Or Full Recap This Year

Hey y'all - you know this is my favorite awards show of them all, but I'm sick and will be enjoying the show from the comfort of my loving bed this year, so I will not be doing a liveblog or full wrap-up. This is the first year in a while that I haven't seen most of the nominated movies or performances, so it may be on the boring side. We'll see. I am thrilled about Jon Stewart returning, so there's some points right there. I'm sure I'll have something to say about the show in the morning, and feel free to leave your comments about it here and we'll discuss. Enjoy the show!

2007 Grammy Awards: The Liveblog

Let's do this.

Man, it seems like so long since I've recapped an awards show. What a way to come back, with the 50th Annual Grammys. How much of a hot mess will Winehouse be? Will Fergie bring down John Legend's rep? Let's see!

8:02 - Alicia Keys duetting with Frank Sinatra. WTF. I hate this kind of shit. Just have her duet with Buble, what's the difference? And why is Alicia Keys saying things on behalf oh herself and Sinatra? HE IS DEAD, ALICIA. And you are squishing your boobs. Lord, this is going to be a long night.

8:04 - Thank God, Carrie Underwood. Wait, are those members of Stomp? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME, GRAMMY AWARDS? God help me if those Damn Blue Men show up. I will never watch again. And Carrie, what the HELL are you wearing??? Ill-fitting mechanic's shortie jumpsuit with glitter thigh highs? What is going on? Where am I? Why is she in a junkyard? Help me, y'all. And I love Carrie, but what the hell is going on?? (I will be getting to a full Carrie post this week hopefully - I saw her in concert last week with Keith Urban and they were both fantastic.)

8:08 - Prince? How did they get him? I'm actually kind of impressed. Oh Lord, his over-sexed voiceover of the nominees is completely ridiculous and AWESOME.

8:16 - Morris Day and the Time? HELL YES. I love Morris Day. Remember the TV show where he worked at a hair salon? I secretly loved that show.

8:18 - Rihanna is joining in, borrowing Pink's hair. Her tiny waist scares me. But wait, they didn't get to the Jesse and Jerome part of Jungle Love. Oh, they had better effing get back to that part.

8:22 - Tom Hanks? I have just stopped trying to understand the show at this point, and it's only 22 minutes in. I need a drink.

8:25 - Cirque du Soleil appearance = snack time. I can't.

Man, I am crotchety tonight. Maybe it's residual sadness from missing the Party of the Year when the Golden Globes got cancelled...on second thought, maybe not. It has never lived up to that reputation. Maybe it's because I know Kanye West is going to show up on my screen at any time, that f*cker.

8:31 - Is this Beatles thing still going on?

Where is Josh Groban? I think making inappropriately lewd comments about his ass and it backing up will lift my spirits. Any time now, Josh. SERIOUSLY. Please come on before Fergie.

8:33 - Best new artist - Cyndi Lauper looks amazing, y'all. And hasn't Feist been around for a few years? That's like the time Shelby Lynne was up for it after having put out at least 3 or 4 albums.

8:35 - Jason Bateman??? I love him, but what the hell? (Also, "Her?") Wait, I take back wondering why he is there, because now I want to know why he isn't hosting this show. He is KILLING. Finally, what the show needs - shameless mocking. Oh, Jason - I love you.

8:38 - "Coming up, Beyonce duets with Tina Turner." PAM: Please let it be Private Dancer, please let it be Private Dancer.

8:45 - I refuse to recap Kanye West - I hate his ass and those ridiculous glasses.

8:52 - Fergie and John Legend. When is she going to start spelling things? Boy, she sure thinks she is the shit. Wait until Xtina shows you how it's done later, sweetie.

9:04 - Speaking of older ladies looking fantastic, you GO, Tina Turner. Now please sing Private Dancer. And tell Beyonce that hot pants are not really her friend. Her hair looks good, though. Oh my God, imagine if Tina Turner ever did a duet with Dolly Parton? That would probably be the greatest thing in the world EVER. But back to this - Proud Mary was pretty awesome. Nice work, ladies.

9:13 - Song of the Year - Wait, Bet On It wasn't nominated?

9:19 - Yay, Jason Bateman is back! That also means that the Foo Fighters will be starting - love them. I really want Dave Grohl to cut his hair, though. Still - they rock. Look, I'm in better spirits already! I wonder who or what will break me out of this?

9:26 - Alicia Keys is coming up again? Sorry, but there should be a one performance a show rule.

9:32 - George Lopez - come on now.

9:40 - YES, please play Kanye West off. How much of a jackass is he? UGH.

9:41 - Luda! Now that's making me think of Luda-Christmas. Oh, 30 Rock, I miss you.

9:43 - Oh, Aretha. Sleeves, woman. Sleeves. (My pal Michael just texted me to chime in: "Little known fact: that spaghetti strap is made out of the same material which is used on suspension bridges.")

9:57 - Feist is performing and somewhere, Fergie is cursing herself, all "Counting! Why didn't I think of that?!"

10:00 - This Kid Rock/Keely Smith duet is making my head spin. What??!! Still. Kid Rock remains the male version of a butterface for me.

10:03 - Am I the only one who wanted Keely Smith to open the envelope and yell, "Gladiator!"?

10:11 - Alicia Keys - Why didn't Stevie Wonder stay and sing this song? He did a pretty damn good job with it. Oh no, Mayer is going to be joining her, isn't he? I can't watch his constipated faces when he sings. Although maybe that's better than looking at Alicia Keys in her pleather-y looking leggings. Gross.

10:18 - Vince Gill, slamming Kanye - NICE!!! That was awesome. Spirits lifted again!

10:24 - Joe Mantegna? Are they just pulling names out of a hat now? What is going on? And where is Josh Groban's ass? Criminy.

10:26 - Classical music perfomance of Rhapsody in Blue - now I'm remembering why I usually TiVo this show instead of watching it live. If Herbie Hancock isn't playing Rockit, I'm not interested. Be-coop!

10:35 - Rihanna and Jay-Z win, with Rihanna grabbing his hand to bring him onstage - Beyonce is ready to cut a bitch.

10:40 - It's about time for Winehouse. But first, Cuba Gooding, Jr.? Really? And what happened to her blonde rat's nest hair? And does she have to pee? This is a hot mess. I love it.

10:47 - Doddering old man alert! What's up, Tony Bennett? Hey, I thought he was supposed to sing with Xtina. Boo! After the show, Natalie Cole is going back to her side job of playing power forward for the Phoenix Suns.

10:50 - It's not often you hear, "To my Blake, incarcerated..." in a Grammy acceptance speech.

10:56 - I don't care about the tour of the Recording Academy!! End this, come on!

10:58 - Shut UP, Grammy Guy.

11:02 - Groban! Finally. Now back that ASS UP! That just seems so wrong to say about such a wholesome seeming boy, but you didn't see him in those jeans at that concert 3 years ago. That was some ass, baby. I'm liking the scruff.

11:11 - STILL on. Hey, Bonnie Raitt. Fun fact: Nick of Time was the first album that I bought in CD format.

11:13 - If John Fogerty isn't going to sing about the Coach putting him in, I don't really care.

11:14 - Speaking of hot messes, hello Jerry Lee Lewis and Little Richard. Good Lord. Jerry Lee Lewis is frightening. I wonder if he has met Tony Bennett - there may be a doddering old man battle brewing. Is he even playing that piano? I don't think I can sum it up any better than Michael just did: "if i've EVER wanted someone to sneak into my room at crack me in the head with an axe, this is the time." Little Richard - there are no words. He's either a complete train wreck or secretly awesome. The jury is still out. However, the jury has ruled that his cat-head mullet needs to go. This is a fiasco.

11:20 - Why is this still on? And why am I still watching? That last thing almost sent me to rock in the corner and weep. Bed. Me want bed. Look, Grammy Awards - are you happy? Thanks to you, I am now speaking like a caveperson. Me want end of show. Me ANGRY! Look what you have wrought.

11:25 - will.i.am? What is this? JUST GIVE OUT THE AWARD AND END IT ALREADY. Please stop. And buy a capital letter. Only k.d. lang can get away with that.

11:27 - Album of the Year - wait, is it really going to be over? Usher ripping on Kanye - sweet!! Wait, WHAT?! Herbie Hancock? Shut the f*ck up. That's it, I'm out. My head can't take any more.

Next year, please remind me to TiVo and not Liveblog this. Holy hell.

See you at the Oscars....

2007 Emmy Awards: The Liveblog

Welcome, kiddies! Time again for the biggest night in TV and I'm here to get through it all with you. This will be updated every 10 minutes or so, so send me your comments if you want to participate. Right now, it's time for the show to start - let's do this:

8:00 - Stewie and Brian Griffin open the show - not too bad, probably because I have a deep secret love for Stewie Griffin, but there was absolutely NO need to cut to a shot of T.R. Knight when making an Isaiah Washington joke. UN-comfortable! Still, not a bad little opening, although I would have loved it if the dirty old man from Family Guy had made an appearance. I love him dearly.

8:03 - Seacrest IN! I'm reserving judgment on the host choice for now, but I AM judging that hideous skinny patent leather tie. You own a clothing line of pretty nice t-shirts, dude. Come on now. Not a great opening for la Seacrest, but I'm glad he went there with the Teri Hatcher thing.

8:08 - My third Piven-induced "Ugh!" of the night - this is going to be a long night.

8:09 - Hel-lo Mohinder and Peter Petrelli! Damn, they look good. Call me, Milo!

8:12 - Supporting Actor, Comedy Series - GO N.P.H.! Will a chant of "Doo-gie! Doo-gie!" work? Apparently not, F*CKING Piven. I hate his ass.

8:15 - Supporting Actor, Drama Series - GO Michael Emerson! Ben rules my world on Lost. And...Terry O'Quinn. I'll take that one, too. Locke is pretty awesome as well. He's my dad's hero. Cute speech, and I'm loving the pink shirt and sparkly tie - somehow he is making that WORK.

8:23 - Supporting Actress, Comedy Series - Wow, I love Julia Louis Dreyfus's dress. Oh wait, was I supposed to be paying attention to something else? Ah yes, Jaime Pressly. I'll take that win - I don't watch the show anymore, but she was the best part about it. (I would have also been quite happy with Jenna Fischer or Vanessa Williams, who rocks Ugly Betty like no one's business.) Oh, this music person is starting up way too early.

8:26 - The first Mini-Series or Movie category, aka the first category I don't care about. Kudos to Katherine Heigl for sassing the announcer for mispronouncing her name, though. That woman will be cleaning out her desk in the morning.

8:29 - A man is TEARING UP, Music Person. Have you no heart? Give poor Lowell 15 more seconds.

Commercial Break Side Note: Frito couldn't join me tonight on account of a corn maze kicking his ass today, but hopefully he will contribute via satellite at some point. He'd be cursing Piven right along with me.

8:34 - What the hell is Ellen DeGeneres wearing around her neck? I'm going to have to consult one of the Fug Girls on this one.

8:37 - ENOUGH WITH THE PIVEN!!! For F*CK'S sake.

8:38 - Supporting Actress in a Drama - Wow, I still don't care again yet. I just think we're going to be seeing a lot of folks from The Sopranos tonight. Ooh, Heigl with the upset. I hope she mentions My Father The Hero.

8:42 - Outstanding Writing for a Comedy or Variety Show Nominees! This is seriously my FAVORITE part of the show every year. I think The Colbert Report takes the nominee segment with the slap-fest. Yay, Conan! Although I would have been happy with any of the shows, I am thinking the Horny Manatee put Conan over the top this year.

8:50 - Xtina! What a nice surprise. Tony Bennett is so doddering, I'm a little uncomfortable.

8:59 - FRITO: Why is everyone sobbing like a 4th grade bitch tonight?
PAM: Because Piven keeps showing up.
FRITO: And Love Hewitt.

9:04 - WHAT is Queen Latifah looking at?

9:06 - FRITO: Cicely Tyson sounds like Barbara Walters. (She totally does.)

9:09 - Someone in the music department seriously does NOT want to listen to Robert Duvall.

9:10 - That announcer can NOT get anyone's name right. Sorry, Hayden. Neil Patrick Harris rules. Speaking of which, has anyone seen the trailer for Harold and Kumar 2? I am counting down the days.

9:21 - Hey, Steve Carell - now I'm actually paying attention again. Thank you, sir. (If you have On Demand on your cable, don't miss the 3 minute "What I Did During My Summer Vacation" Office clip.) Nice, The Daily Show. Once again, I would have been happy with most of those.

9:25 - WTF, music people??!! Even Dick Clark gives people more time, and he rules with a serious iron fist. He cut off Sinatra, people - he will cut a bitch. But even Clark would give these people more time, shit.

9:32 - Boooooooooooooored. But blessedly Piven-free!

9:36 - Mary Louise Parker has been looking like she wants to be somewhere else all night long. I do love her dress, though. (FRITO: That's because it's red.)

9:39 - The Jersey Boys = bathroom break!

9:50 - FRITO: I thought Ryan Secrest was hosting - where is he???
PAM: Crying over his patent leather tie.

9:51 - Mirren dissing the music guy - AWESOME. Thank you, Helen! I love that he feared her.

9:52 - Lewis Black - he knows my sock monkey! Also, he is pretty right about all of this. Preach on, Lewis.

9:59 - Coming up, Kanye West? WHY??!!! If he is with Piven, so help me....

10:05 - Wow, Tom from MySpace is even more lame than I thought.

10:09 - Outstanding Performance in a Variety, Comedy or Music Program - Letterman, Colbert, Stewart...and it's Tony Bennet AGAIN. What the hell? Is he dying and we haven't been told? Why is he winning everything tonight? Who even watched that thing? Oh, and he's back to his seat instead of going backstage. And the doddering just goes on, people.

10:18 - Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series - The Office - nice!

10:20 - FINALLY, the rest of the good awards are coming up. Do you think they magically nominated Lauren Graham and Kristen Bell during the commercials? Yeah, me neither. Damn.

10:26 - Oh, good Lord - Kanye West. WHY IS HE THERE????!!! He has nothing to do with TV! Just enjoy the Rainn Wilson, Pam - just enjoy the Rainn Wilson. Oh no, he's rapping with his indoor sunglasses on and...HATE!!!! Save me, Rainn!

10:30 - The Amazing Race wins again - yay!

10:36 - Ah, bless you, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.

10:39 - Lead Actor, Comedy Series - please no Shalhoub again. I'm sure he's good and all, but enough is enough. Ah, Gervais. And Carell, who should have gotten it.

10:41 - Hi, Hugh Laurie.

10:42 - Lead Actress, Drama series - my money is on Edie Falco. Ooh, Sally Field, who is looking gorgeous tonight. Love the dress. I also kind of love Sally Field. Remember Punchline?

10:52 - Lead Actress, Comedy Series - I knew America Ferrera would take this one, and it's well deserved. Also? So good in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, that one. What? It's a good movie!

10:54 - Lead Actor, Drama - Go Hugh Laurie, even though I know Gandolfini will probably take it. Wow, every year with the James Spader. I've never seen the show, but I do love The Spader. Great speech, too. If it had to be someone other than my Hugh, I'm glad it was you.

11:02 - Outstanding Comedy Series - Wow, 30 Rock. Good on you, Tina Fey. (Dear people who nominate for this category: have you seen How I Met Your Mother? The Robin Sparkles episode alone should have put it in the running.)

11:08 - Outstanding Drama Series - now this one has to be The Sopranos, although I'm pulling for Heroes and House, of course. C'mon Heroes. Bah, The Sopranos. Next year, my Mohinder. Next year.

Wow, that was...pretty damn boring. Why do I get excited about watching this? Thank you Steve Carell, Lewis Black, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart for adding some entertainment to my night. And thank you Milo Ventomiglia and Sendhil Ramamurthy for the eye candy. See you next year!