Welcome, welcome to the live blog of the 2009 PARTY OF THE YEAR. People, it is all downhill after this. It's so nice to have the Globes back after last year's press conference as it is one of my favorite awards shows, so welcome back, Globes.
Joining me for the live blog tonight are special guests Paul, David and The Professor. This should be interesting. Look for updates every ten minutes or so, and please - comment away if you've got something to say. And David has already been warned about the high likelihood of a Tom Hanks appearance, so be ready. Let's do this.
- Those Pussycat Dolls sure do like to open the show, don't they? When I grow up, I want to be a glorified stripper, mommy.
-Oh, hi Jennifer Lopez and Best Supporting Actress - Kate WInslet!!! Yay! Now someone please give this woman an Oscar already. Criminy. God, she looks gorgeous.
- PAUL: Is that Rumer Willis?
PAM: Yes, she's Miss Golden Globes.
PAUL: She looks like a man.
- Sting, looking like a TOTAL CREEP. Shit, what the hell, Sting?
- Best Original Song - PAUL: This one needs to win just because it's Miley Cyrus.
Oh, Paul.
- PAM: Ugh, I hate Bruce Springsteen. He can kiss my ass. Look at Mickey Rourke, he is such a hot mess.
- Helloooooo, Simon Baker. I want Eva Longoria's dress.
- Rumer Willis - PAUL: Oh, you f*cking ugly piece of shit. Oh, don't be all proud of her, Demi.
- Tom Hanks sighting! David is shaking his fist like no other.
- ...And we have Paul's first fart of the evening. THIS IS A FART-FREE ZONE!!!!
- DAVID & PAUL: Whoa, Drew Barrymore!
PAUL: She looks like she drove here with her head out the window.
DAVID: She looks like she just blew somebody.
- Zac Efron gets announced. PAM: Hold up, I need to pause this to give it my full attention.
DAVID: I hope he bust out with a dance number.
PAUL: Somebody's going to throw him a basketball and he's going to bust out some Getcha Head in the Game.
The PROFESSOR: He's wearing his basketball jersey under there.
PAM: Oh my God, he's totally going to sing Scream.
- Gabriel Byrne? Wah. Denied the Laurie!
DAVID: I so wanted Jonathan Rhys-Meyers up there.
- Zachary Quinto, looking FINE, unless you are Paul, who is offended that someone said he looks like him. Someone tell him that is a compliment - he's very upset. Paul, Sylar is HOT.
- Anna Paquin wins - DAVID: That's because she gets naked.
PAUL: Show a tit, get an award!
- I have just issued a Robert Downey Jr. is off-limits rule after Paul and David made rehab jokes at his expense. You do NOT touch the Downey.
- Ricky Gervais, with a drink in his hand - who is he, Kid Rock?
- EVERYONE: Why are the Jonas Brothers at the Golden Globes??
PAM: They are not attractive.
- Commercials - lengthly poo dollar discussion ensues. We are so classy.
- JOHNNY DEPP. Once, again, off limits. "And the Golden Globe goes to...." PAM: My vagina.
PROF: Pam can't go an hour without saying "my vagina."
PAM: True story.
PAUL: Rumer Willis, you ugly dirty bitch.
Still no idea what Paul's deal is about Rumer Willis.
- Okay, Sally Hawkins is cute and all, but where is the orchestra? Wrap it up, lady. If Dick Clark was running this, this would not be happening. He cuts off Frank Sinatra, because he is a GANGSTER like that. Mmm-hmm.
- DAVID: We should go see Happy Go Lucky this week. I heard she shows her business.
PAUL: Yeah, but she looks like Amy Winehouse so she probably has a dirty Winehouse cooter.
EVERYONE ELSE: AAAAGHHHH!
- Jake Gyllenhaal, too? This room is FULL of hotties. Good Lord.
DAVID: Why am I not in that room right now? Why am I here?
- Drew Barrymore - girl, that hair. But that dress is divine. I'll leave the hair up to my friends The Fug Girls.
- PAUL: Oh, f*cking P. Diddy. Get the hell out of there. [FART] That's what I think about Cranford.
- Tom Hanks! - David is currently holding up a knife to my TV.
- Demi Moore - PAUL: Oh, don't you even talk to your ugly daughter.
- Best Supporting Actor - First of many Heath Ledger awards. I still get a little misty. Ooh, GOB! Love you, Will Arnett.
- DAVID?: Colin Farrell, oh he can spit on me. Mmmm!
- PAM: If Tony Shalhoub wins tonight, I'm leaving.
PAUL: You live here.
PAM: Exactly.
Commercials - conversation about getting hookers on Craigs List ensues. We remain classy.
- Fart #6 - THIS A FART-FREE ZONE, Paul!!!!
- PAM: Why isn't Teeth up for anything? VAGINA DENTATA!!!!
- Alec Baldwin!! Thank you. In your FACE, Shalhoub!
- Renee Zellweger - PAM: Whoa!
DAVID: Shit, Renee.
PAUL: I love you, Renee, but not like this.
- Megan Fox, I might go gay for her for an hour or so. Angelina, too.
PAUL: She looked better on Hope & Faith. I just mentioned Hope & Faith and The View all within a minute.
- Tracy Morgan - fantastic speech. "Deal with it, Cate Blanchett!" Love it.
- PAUL: Pierce Brosnan, please sing for us.
EVERYONE: NO!
- P. Diddy gives out an award. PAUL: Oh, f*ck this shit. He and Rumer on the same stage, this is bullshit.
DAVID: Why hasn't he been shot yet?
- People, we are up to fart #10. We are at DEFCON FIVE HERE. Paul is not invited to the next awards show viewing.
- It is universally agreed in the room that Tina Fey rules.
- Commercials - PAUL: Does anyone want to tickle my feet?
EVERYONE ELSE: [silence]
DAVID: I'll tickle your prostate.
PAUL: I might poo a little.
DAVID: It's nature's lubricant.
EVERYONE: Ew!
- Steven Spielberg award = break time. Here's some photos from the night so far:
The farts, people. The farts.
For Catherine:
- Commercials - Multiple orgasm and Cialis discussion - classy still.
- I want Emma Thompson's shoes, y'all.
- The farts, people. I have to sleep in this room tonight. I may die.
- James Franco isn't there? Robbed of the Franco? Dammit.
DAVID: Colin Farrell can punch me in the face anytime. The things we could do with that Golden Globe. [whispering] Take off your pants.
PAM: He probably has things crawling on him, though. He's been around.
DAVID: I don't care - that's why they invited Rit.
- Best Actress, drama - PAM: Angelina Jolie can Changeling into my pants.
DAVID: Meryl Streep can get in mine. Mmm.
PAUL: She got robbed for Mamma Mia!
Winslet with the double - NICE! Yay!
- Susan Sarandon, always has to be poppong those boobs out. Put those away, Sarandon!
- Oh, Darren Aronofsky - please shave that 'stache.
- Mickey Rourke - when you start thanking YOUR DOGS, it is time to get off the stage.
- Commercials - golden shower and "double stuff" conversation ensues. Getting classier, folks.
- Slumdog Millionaire, and we're out. Fart count: eleventy thousand. I can't even.... Here's some more pictures from the rest of the night along with a special Golden Globes viewing edition of The Paul & Pam Show. Goodnight, y'all!
He is biting his toenails, people. NASTY.
Ladies and Gentleman, the Pregnant Transman.
____________________________________
Paul & Pam Show - Episode 4
My head cold makes me VERY hard to understand. Sorry, y'all!
Joining me for the live blog tonight are special guests Paul, David and The Professor. This should be interesting. Look for updates every ten minutes or so, and please - comment away if you've got something to say. And David has already been warned about the high likelihood of a Tom Hanks appearance, so be ready. Let's do this.
- Those Pussycat Dolls sure do like to open the show, don't they? When I grow up, I want to be a glorified stripper, mommy.
-Oh, hi Jennifer Lopez and Best Supporting Actress - Kate WInslet!!! Yay! Now someone please give this woman an Oscar already. Criminy. God, she looks gorgeous.
- PAUL: Is that Rumer Willis?
PAM: Yes, she's Miss Golden Globes.
PAUL: She looks like a man.
- Sting, looking like a TOTAL CREEP. Shit, what the hell, Sting?
- Best Original Song - PAUL: This one needs to win just because it's Miley Cyrus.
Oh, Paul.
- PAM: Ugh, I hate Bruce Springsteen. He can kiss my ass. Look at Mickey Rourke, he is such a hot mess.
- Helloooooo, Simon Baker. I want Eva Longoria's dress.
- Rumer Willis - PAUL: Oh, you f*cking ugly piece of shit. Oh, don't be all proud of her, Demi.
- Tom Hanks sighting! David is shaking his fist like no other.
- ...And we have Paul's first fart of the evening. THIS IS A FART-FREE ZONE!!!!
- DAVID & PAUL: Whoa, Drew Barrymore!
PAUL: She looks like she drove here with her head out the window.
DAVID: She looks like she just blew somebody.
- Zac Efron gets announced. PAM: Hold up, I need to pause this to give it my full attention.
DAVID: I hope he bust out with a dance number.
PAUL: Somebody's going to throw him a basketball and he's going to bust out some Getcha Head in the Game.
The PROFESSOR: He's wearing his basketball jersey under there.
PAM: Oh my God, he's totally going to sing Scream.
- Gabriel Byrne? Wah. Denied the Laurie!
DAVID: I so wanted Jonathan Rhys-Meyers up there.
- Zachary Quinto, looking FINE, unless you are Paul, who is offended that someone said he looks like him. Someone tell him that is a compliment - he's very upset. Paul, Sylar is HOT.
- Anna Paquin wins - DAVID: That's because she gets naked.
PAUL: Show a tit, get an award!
- I have just issued a Robert Downey Jr. is off-limits rule after Paul and David made rehab jokes at his expense. You do NOT touch the Downey.
- Ricky Gervais, with a drink in his hand - who is he, Kid Rock?
- EVERYONE: Why are the Jonas Brothers at the Golden Globes??
PAM: They are not attractive.
- Commercials - lengthly poo dollar discussion ensues. We are so classy.
- JOHNNY DEPP. Once, again, off limits. "And the Golden Globe goes to...." PAM: My vagina.
PROF: Pam can't go an hour without saying "my vagina."
PAM: True story.
PAUL: Rumer Willis, you ugly dirty bitch.
Still no idea what Paul's deal is about Rumer Willis.
- Okay, Sally Hawkins is cute and all, but where is the orchestra? Wrap it up, lady. If Dick Clark was running this, this would not be happening. He cuts off Frank Sinatra, because he is a GANGSTER like that. Mmm-hmm.
- DAVID: We should go see Happy Go Lucky this week. I heard she shows her business.
PAUL: Yeah, but she looks like Amy Winehouse so she probably has a dirty Winehouse cooter.
EVERYONE ELSE: AAAAGHHHH!
- Jake Gyllenhaal, too? This room is FULL of hotties. Good Lord.
DAVID: Why am I not in that room right now? Why am I here?
- Drew Barrymore - girl, that hair. But that dress is divine. I'll leave the hair up to my friends The Fug Girls.
- PAUL: Oh, f*cking P. Diddy. Get the hell out of there. [FART] That's what I think about Cranford.
- Tom Hanks! - David is currently holding up a knife to my TV.
- Demi Moore - PAUL: Oh, don't you even talk to your ugly daughter.
- Best Supporting Actor - First of many Heath Ledger awards. I still get a little misty. Ooh, GOB! Love you, Will Arnett.
- DAVID?: Colin Farrell, oh he can spit on me. Mmmm!
- PAM: If Tony Shalhoub wins tonight, I'm leaving.
PAUL: You live here.
PAM: Exactly.
Commercials - conversation about getting hookers on Craigs List ensues. We remain classy.
- Fart #6 - THIS A FART-FREE ZONE, Paul!!!!
- PAM: Why isn't Teeth up for anything? VAGINA DENTATA!!!!
- Alec Baldwin!! Thank you. In your FACE, Shalhoub!
- Renee Zellweger - PAM: Whoa!
DAVID: Shit, Renee.
PAUL: I love you, Renee, but not like this.
- Megan Fox, I might go gay for her for an hour or so. Angelina, too.
PAUL: She looked better on Hope & Faith. I just mentioned Hope & Faith and The View all within a minute.
- Tracy Morgan - fantastic speech. "Deal with it, Cate Blanchett!" Love it.
- PAUL: Pierce Brosnan, please sing for us.
EVERYONE: NO!
- P. Diddy gives out an award. PAUL: Oh, f*ck this shit. He and Rumer on the same stage, this is bullshit.
DAVID: Why hasn't he been shot yet?
- People, we are up to fart #10. We are at DEFCON FIVE HERE. Paul is not invited to the next awards show viewing.
- It is universally agreed in the room that Tina Fey rules.
- Commercials - PAUL: Does anyone want to tickle my feet?
EVERYONE ELSE: [silence]
DAVID: I'll tickle your prostate.
PAUL: I might poo a little.
DAVID: It's nature's lubricant.
EVERYONE: Ew!
- Steven Spielberg award = break time. Here's some photos from the night so far:
The farts, people. The farts.
For Catherine:
- Commercials - Multiple orgasm and Cialis discussion - classy still.
- I want Emma Thompson's shoes, y'all.
- The farts, people. I have to sleep in this room tonight. I may die.
- James Franco isn't there? Robbed of the Franco? Dammit.
DAVID: Colin Farrell can punch me in the face anytime. The things we could do with that Golden Globe. [whispering] Take off your pants.
PAM: He probably has things crawling on him, though. He's been around.
DAVID: I don't care - that's why they invited Rit.
- Best Actress, drama - PAM: Angelina Jolie can Changeling into my pants.
DAVID: Meryl Streep can get in mine. Mmm.
PAUL: She got robbed for Mamma Mia!
Winslet with the double - NICE! Yay!
- Susan Sarandon, always has to be poppong those boobs out. Put those away, Sarandon!
- Oh, Darren Aronofsky - please shave that 'stache.
- Mickey Rourke - when you start thanking YOUR DOGS, it is time to get off the stage.
- Commercials - golden shower and "double stuff" conversation ensues. Getting classier, folks.
- Slumdog Millionaire, and we're out. Fart count: eleventy thousand. I can't even.... Here's some more pictures from the rest of the night along with a special Golden Globes viewing edition of The Paul & Pam Show. Goodnight, y'all!
He is biting his toenails, people. NASTY.
Ladies and Gentleman, the Pregnant Transman.
____________________________________
Paul & Pam Show - Episode 4
My head cold makes me VERY hard to understand. Sorry, y'all!
Dude...where the hell did you find that sign?!!?
I should have that sign. That is gold.
Posted by: Jesse | January 11, 2009 at 10:30 PM