See that picture above? That's going to be me, and I have absolutely no problem with that. Okay, maybe I'd substitute a monkey for the cat, but you get the picture. All I'm saying is that being single is the far superior choice over a lot of the guys out there. I CHOOSE ME, TOO, Kelly!
And why is this on my mind lately? Well, I went out with some of the girls Friday night and got hit on by this 24 year-old who fit perfectly into the scope of what my brother says I attract. He claims I am a "Weirdo/Loser Magnet," and he is usually right. This boy was no exception. I felt bad because he was a nice kid, but he was just a poor thing, and he was just that: a kid. It really saddened me when I reached the day that I had to admit that some boys in their early 20s were too young even for me, but it's true. How would they get any of my pop culture references?
Anyway, so I say this boy from Friday was a poor thing because we all thought he was TANKED, but it turns out he is just weird. But he pulled a fast one on me - I'm too nice sometimes. Sometimes I don't know what to do when boys are nice to me and ask me out. This doesn't happen often, so I panic sometimes. This one asked me for my number, so I did have one brief moment of, "I know how to solve this!" and said I would take his instead. Of course, the minute I put it into my phone, he pulled the, "Okay, now text me to make sure you got the right number." CURSES! What do you do then? I had to!
The next morning I had forgotten all about it and just deleted him from my phone with a chuckle and that was that. Until Thursday. I got a random "How are you?" text from a number not in my phone book. It took me a second, and then I was all, "Oh noooo." Mind you, this boy never asked, so he had no idea how old I was. When he started texting me, I asked him how old he thought I was. He answered 30, and I did not confirm or deny. He then asked if he could now ask me a question. I said yes, and then I got this response: "What r u wearing?"
PEOPLE.
PEOPLE!
"WHAT R U WEARING?"????!!!! WHO does that? Who says that???! What is wrong with boys?? All he asked me before that was how I was doing and what I was up to. I had been fine and I was watching TV - HOW does that lead to him asking me what I was wearing? Do people really ask that? I've never encountered a person who actually asks that. I was completely gobsmacked. I responded the only way I thought someone should respond to that, with a hearty, "Are you kidding?" He just said, "Yeah, sorry," but I wasn't buying. He didn't seem too funny when I met him, so I said I was just checking and he responded with, "But if I wasn't, would u tell me?" HE WAS SO SERIOUS. I just said no and that I would say footie pajamas. After that, he said he was heading to bed and I haven't heard from him since. Good Lord.
What is wrong with boys??? And why do all of these weirdos like me?
This, of course got me to thinking about other ridiculous things guys have sent me in the past. I've tried Match.com about 4 times in the last 6 years or so, always just for a month because I don't have much luck. I don't know why I think it's going to be better every time, but I'll usually see one or two guys who really catch my eye so I sign up and contact them but only get responses from others. And not ones that I want. I remembered that I saved some of the "best" e-mails that I received over the years, so I figured I would share some. These are only a few, which should really make you sad. Shall we?
Dear World, this is what likes me. I wish I had doctored these in any way, but sadly, I did not:
I think you are very beautiful - yes I know that is just step 1 in 100 steps, but at least it's step one.
Two of the more important things to discuss right up front, I believe, are religion and children. Just wanted to let you know that I am Jewish, but have come to believe more in more in a special force that guides you as opposed to a god - it may be a god, but that's not how I feel it. Anyway, I am very tolerant of other's views on that subject, just so long as they are not imposed on me.
I have a 3 year-old son whom I love, but he does not live with me. I LOVE children and wish I could spend every minute of every day working with them.
I am 40, live in Princeton, am emotionally and financially stable, in very good shape, very good looking (to be humble for a moment), and interested in getting to know you. I am honest, work hard, play hard, and will only tolerate sincere people. I have my opinions on things, but they are often altered because I listen and think about what others can contribute to my personal growth. For fun, I play sports, fly a small plane, exercise, read, and just hang out with friends and family (movies, stuff like that).
I can send a photo if you'd like, or check out my profile - it's "anl4j".
Talk soon!
Jay
We did not "talk soon."
This next one wrote me a short e-mail saying hello - I had no interest, but thought I would be nice and just write him back to tell him that I was looking for a guy who did not want kids but wished him luck in his search. He had his 'Want Kids' preference set to 'Definitely' and mine were set to "Do not want kids" and that I wanted a guy who did not have kids. I also reiterated this in my profile. (Bear in mind that the only interaction I ever had with this guy before this e-mail was him reading my profile, saying hello and then me saying no thanks.) This'll learn me to be nice and send 'no thank you' e-mails:
Subject: Too bad... way too bad! Maybe you're being polite and I thank you for that.
But if you're not being polite, then I urge you to change your "Do Not Want To Have Kids" choice to 'Maybe Someday'.
I wouldn't have felt so optimistic about our chances and I wouldn't feel so disappointed right now.
(I know that's crazy, but I really liked you... yeah, I'm creepin' myself out too, but bare with me).
If, however, you decide that "Maybe Someday" is not true for you and you really don't ever want children, then obviously, you have some irrational, emotional issues that need to be addressed and I want to address them... It would mean the world to me for you to address them.
(I don't know what. Maybe you had a bad experience with some guy who had kids, or more than one guy. Maybe you're sub-consciously competing with the devotion a father feels for his children, thinking you could never compete with that. We all have feelings like that, emotional impressions that aren't necessarily rational, and most of us aren't usually able to work through them alone. Hey, I don't know, these are just theories. I'm desperate here. You've broken it off before it's started.)
I'm ten years older than you. Is that a problem?
Do I look too old with this gray beard of mine? I've dated girls much younger than you. I have longer hair now and I shave the beard every summer.
Maybe my picture just isn't appealing to you.
(SIGH)
C'mon. I haven't done this with anyone on this site except for you. That's got to count for something.
We like the same things. I'm a huge movie buff and will make my own movie someday... as soon as my book is published (ahem). http://www.glitchhunt.com/
What would it hurt? I'd love to just sit and talk to you. We could meet at a bookstore, or a coffee shop, or a mall, anywhere, or maybe just talk on the phone.
Lunatic much?
And this one was only a subject, there was nothing in the body of the e-mail:
Subject: Hello Sexy! How are you?David
The next one makes me want to throw up, yet also makes me want to tell people that I listen to souls music at my leisure Time:
Hello Pretty,
I'm a gentle hearted man, I like making friends because friends are the best. Love is not about body stature, but its all about what is in the heart. what I care about is you are beautiful and I wish to be the man you've always wanted and i'm sure you and I would work things nicely being together.My personality traits are Simple, honest, cheerful.I like these kinds of music country music,Rock,and souls.
I've been widower for 4years now and I wish to settle down now to find a real Love.I have 1 son,hes name is kelvin.I'm proud to be is father. am a trader here .Nothing is more beautiful than you wearing only the moonlight and my kisses.
You are so pretty that I believe God spent extra time creating you.I like holding hands walking together side by side and sharing love vows and I see you as a woman I would love to do that with and cuddle with my woman.I also like playing Chess and Football at my leisure Time.I've learnt to respect beauty very well thats why I respect you.. So all that matters is for the two hearts to be together
somewhere,somehow,someday.I am a simple man, I don't like night life, I prefer living under the sun light, going to seaside or stay at home with a sweet kind girl. I hate falsity and lies.I would love to chat with you on my instant messenger ___,......I am looking forward hearing from you soon.Thank you and God bless you.
chris ..
This one thought my profile was an absolute laugh-riot, apparently:
Subject: ? ive got the skinny and a little wierd coverd ,,,, but scary clowns ,, i dont know ,,, i think that wizards are the new clowns ... lol!!! (i think i just made myself laugh) sock monkeys? lol!!! do you use them as props to help express your fellings to others? lol!! (i seem to be cracking myself up ,,, hopefully you a laughing too)
jay
This one is from 2005, and he liked cougars before it was a thing:
Subject: im a bit odd meaning I like things most dont like local theaters or museums Hey There,
I just read your profile and am intirgued by what you had written about yourself. As for me, I am a mature 28 yr old guy living in South County RI and am appreciative of good intellectual conversation, chemistry if it's there, ability to have fun in anything we or you do, going to the beach either walking or laying out in the summer, and someone of good positive character as the oldest Ive seen was age 51 recently as we had connected on a multitude of mature levels and all facets of a true relationship--I just tend to be more drawn to women your age yet whom are young at heart too and have the ability to have fun and be adventurous. I am a career professional for a Fortune 500 Company and absolutely love my job, my friends, and love to have fun as well. I am a graduate of Uconn and have an inner drive to succeed as I have been doing very well and am seeking someone of not necessarily a college background, yet someone of substance, character, and maturity.
I have always seen women of maturity yet whom also knows how to laugh have fun and enjoy themselves and feel comfortable dating a guy who is 28 yet mature, open, honest, serene, and outgoing.
I love to workout, play pool--although you'd probably kick my butt if you play pool too, love the beach, fine dining, a good bottle of wine over relaxing conversation and maybe cuddling as Im very affectionate romantic and giving at the right moment and have high amounts of eregy and enthusiasm and positiveness, and seeking something as in friends first with the possibility of maybe something more lasting as time goes on and both are attracted both mentally and phsyically....Because Let's be honest physical attraction is important somewhat!! Anyway, id love to get to know you moreso and see if we have more in common, as for kids I don't have any yet welcome yours and someday I may want to have them yet uncertain about that still..one day at a time I guess is best way to put it bluntly...If you don't subscribe I can be reached at and we can chat, D
And finally, this may be my favorite, just for the #1 reason alone:
TOP 10 RESONS WHY YOU NEED TO GO OUT WITH MATTY
10) My parole officer says I should find a nice girl and settle down
to keep myself out of trouble.
9) My parents would finaly realize that I'm straight.
8) I always wanted to know what a "CAMPY" person is like.
7) I need someone to take the other ticket for the
monster truck rally. I need the 10 bucks.
6) Cause every girl in Massachussetts has turned me down.
5) You like tennis and it takes duce to love. Yikes
4) You like Burger king so, if you are what you eat
then your fast, cheap, and easy.(reaching here)
3) You like movies? great, I just got my home movies developed of
when I was 6 and my parents took me to New Hampshire.
2) For some reason I hear fireworks. That has something to do with
love, right?
AND THE NUMBER ONE RESON WHY YOU SHOULD DATE MATTY IS!!!!!
1) Your sitting home looking for a date on match. com on
the 4th of july.
Huggs
Matty
Old Maid FOR LIFE!!!
I cannot believe I never saw any of these before. I was dying! I also kind of can't believe you didn't check that last guy out. You should talk to Todd about match.com sometimes. He has some pretty good stories to share as well. :)
I am missing you!
Posted by: Shelly | June 23, 2011 at 12:04 PM