I need views to rank me higher - watch and share!
I need views to rank me higher - watch and share!
See that picture above? That's going to be me, and I have absolutely no problem with that. Okay, maybe I'd substitute a monkey for the cat, but you get the picture. All I'm saying is that being single is the far superior choice over a lot of the guys out there. I CHOOSE ME, TOO, Kelly!
And why is this on my mind lately? Well, I went out with some of the girls Friday night and got hit on by this 24 year-old who fit perfectly into the scope of what my brother says I attract. He claims I am a "Weirdo/Loser Magnet," and he is usually right. This boy was no exception. I felt bad because he was a nice kid, but he was just a poor thing, and he was just that: a kid. It really saddened me when I reached the day that I had to admit that some boys in their early 20s were too young even for me, but it's true. How would they get any of my pop culture references?
Anyway, so I say this boy from Friday was a poor thing because we all thought he was TANKED, but it turns out he is just weird. But he pulled a fast one on me - I'm too nice sometimes. Sometimes I don't know what to do when boys are nice to me and ask me out. This doesn't happen often, so I panic sometimes. This one asked me for my number, so I did have one brief moment of, "I know how to solve this!" and said I would take his instead. Of course, the minute I put it into my phone, he pulled the, "Okay, now text me to make sure you got the right number." CURSES! What do you do then? I had to!
The next morning I had forgotten all about it and just deleted him from my phone with a chuckle and that was that. Until Thursday. I got a random "How are you?" text from a number not in my phone book. It took me a second, and then I was all, "Oh noooo." Mind you, this boy never asked, so he had no idea how old I was. When he started texting me, I asked him how old he thought I was. He answered 30, and I did not confirm or deny. He then asked if he could now ask me a question. I said yes, and then I got this response: "What r u wearing?"
PEOPLE.
PEOPLE!
"WHAT R U WEARING?"????!!!! WHO does that? Who says that???! What is wrong with boys?? All he asked me before that was how I was doing and what I was up to. I had been fine and I was watching TV - HOW does that lead to him asking me what I was wearing? Do people really ask that? I've never encountered a person who actually asks that. I was completely gobsmacked. I responded the only way I thought someone should respond to that, with a hearty, "Are you kidding?" He just said, "Yeah, sorry," but I wasn't buying. He didn't seem too funny when I met him, so I said I was just checking and he responded with, "But if I wasn't, would u tell me?" HE WAS SO SERIOUS. I just said no and that I would say footie pajamas. After that, he said he was heading to bed and I haven't heard from him since. Good Lord.
What is wrong with boys??? And why do all of these weirdos like me?
This, of course got me to thinking about other ridiculous things guys have sent me in the past. I've tried Match.com about 4 times in the last 6 years or so, always just for a month because I don't have much luck. I don't know why I think it's going to be better every time, but I'll usually see one or two guys who really catch my eye so I sign up and contact them but only get responses from others. And not ones that I want. I remembered that I saved some of the "best" e-mails that I received over the years, so I figured I would share some. These are only a few, which should really make you sad. Shall we?
Dear World, this is what likes me. I wish I had doctored these in any way, but sadly, I did not:
I think you are very beautiful - yes I know that is just step 1 in 100 steps, but at least it's step one.
Two of the more important things to discuss right up front, I believe, are religion and children. Just wanted to let you know that I am Jewish, but have come to believe more in more in a special force that guides you as opposed to a god - it may be a god, but that's not how I feel it. Anyway, I am very tolerant of other's views on that subject, just so long as they are not imposed on me.
I have a 3 year-old son whom I love, but he does not live with me. I LOVE children and wish I could spend every minute of every day working with them.
I am 40, live in Princeton, am emotionally and financially stable, in very good shape, very good looking (to be humble for a moment), and interested in getting to know you. I am honest, work hard, play hard, and will only tolerate sincere people. I have my opinions on things, but they are often altered because I listen and think about what others can contribute to my personal growth. For fun, I play sports, fly a small plane, exercise, read, and just hang out with friends and family (movies, stuff like that).
I can send a photo if you'd like, or check out my profile - it's "anl4j".
Talk soon!
Jay
We did not "talk soon."
This next one wrote me a short e-mail saying hello - I had no interest, but thought I would be nice and just write him back to tell him that I was looking for a guy who did not want kids but wished him luck in his search. He had his 'Want Kids' preference set to 'Definitely' and mine were set to "Do not want kids" and that I wanted a guy who did not have kids. I also reiterated this in my profile. (Bear in mind that the only interaction I ever had with this guy before this e-mail was him reading my profile, saying hello and then me saying no thanks.) This'll learn me to be nice and send 'no thank you' e-mails:
Subject: Too bad... way too bad! Maybe you're being polite and I thank you for that.
But if you're not being polite, then I urge you to change your "Do Not Want To Have Kids" choice to 'Maybe Someday'.
I wouldn't have felt so optimistic about our chances and I wouldn't feel so disappointed right now.
(I know that's crazy, but I really liked you... yeah, I'm creepin' myself out too, but bare with me).
If, however, you decide that "Maybe Someday" is not true for you and you really don't ever want children, then obviously, you have some irrational, emotional issues that need to be addressed and I want to address them... It would mean the world to me for you to address them.
(I don't know what. Maybe you had a bad experience with some guy who had kids, or more than one guy. Maybe you're sub-consciously competing with the devotion a father feels for his children, thinking you could never compete with that. We all have feelings like that, emotional impressions that aren't necessarily rational, and most of us aren't usually able to work through them alone. Hey, I don't know, these are just theories. I'm desperate here. You've broken it off before it's started.)
I'm ten years older than you. Is that a problem?
Do I look too old with this gray beard of mine? I've dated girls much younger than you. I have longer hair now and I shave the beard every summer.
Maybe my picture just isn't appealing to you.
(SIGH)
C'mon. I haven't done this with anyone on this site except for you. That's got to count for something.
We like the same things. I'm a huge movie buff and will make my own movie someday... as soon as my book is published (ahem). http://www.glitchhunt.com/
What would it hurt? I'd love to just sit and talk to you. We could meet at a bookstore, or a coffee shop, or a mall, anywhere, or maybe just talk on the phone.
Lunatic much?
And this one was only a subject, there was nothing in the body of the e-mail:
Subject: Hello Sexy! How are you?David
The next one makes me want to throw up, yet also makes me want to tell people that I listen to souls music at my leisure Time:
Hello Pretty,
I'm a gentle hearted man, I like making friends because friends are the best. Love is not about body stature, but its all about what is in the heart. what I care about is you are beautiful and I wish to be the man you've always wanted and i'm sure you and I would work things nicely being together.My personality traits are Simple, honest, cheerful.I like these kinds of music country music,Rock,and souls.
I've been widower for 4years now and I wish to settle down now to find a real Love.I have 1 son,hes name is kelvin.I'm proud to be is father. am a trader here .Nothing is more beautiful than you wearing only the moonlight and my kisses.
You are so pretty that I believe God spent extra time creating you.I like holding hands walking together side by side and sharing love vows and I see you as a woman I would love to do that with and cuddle with my woman.I also like playing Chess and Football at my leisure Time.I've learnt to respect beauty very well thats why I respect you.. So all that matters is for the two hearts to be together
somewhere,somehow,someday.I am a simple man, I don't like night life, I prefer living under the sun light, going to seaside or stay at home with a sweet kind girl. I hate falsity and lies.I would love to chat with you on my instant messenger ___,......I am looking forward hearing from you soon.Thank you and God bless you.
chris ..
This one thought my profile was an absolute laugh-riot, apparently:
Subject: ? ive got the skinny and a little wierd coverd ,,,, but scary clowns ,, i dont know ,,, i think that wizards are the new clowns ... lol!!! (i think i just made myself laugh) sock monkeys? lol!!! do you use them as props to help express your fellings to others? lol!! (i seem to be cracking myself up ,,, hopefully you a laughing too)
jay
This one is from 2005, and he liked cougars before it was a thing:
Subject: im a bit odd meaning I like things most dont like local theaters or museums Hey There,
I just read your profile and am intirgued by what you had written about yourself. As for me, I am a mature 28 yr old guy living in South County RI and am appreciative of good intellectual conversation, chemistry if it's there, ability to have fun in anything we or you do, going to the beach either walking or laying out in the summer, and someone of good positive character as the oldest Ive seen was age 51 recently as we had connected on a multitude of mature levels and all facets of a true relationship--I just tend to be more drawn to women your age yet whom are young at heart too and have the ability to have fun and be adventurous. I am a career professional for a Fortune 500 Company and absolutely love my job, my friends, and love to have fun as well. I am a graduate of Uconn and have an inner drive to succeed as I have been doing very well and am seeking someone of not necessarily a college background, yet someone of substance, character, and maturity.
I have always seen women of maturity yet whom also knows how to laugh have fun and enjoy themselves and feel comfortable dating a guy who is 28 yet mature, open, honest, serene, and outgoing.
I love to workout, play pool--although you'd probably kick my butt if you play pool too, love the beach, fine dining, a good bottle of wine over relaxing conversation and maybe cuddling as Im very affectionate romantic and giving at the right moment and have high amounts of eregy and enthusiasm and positiveness, and seeking something as in friends first with the possibility of maybe something more lasting as time goes on and both are attracted both mentally and phsyically....Because Let's be honest physical attraction is important somewhat!! Anyway, id love to get to know you moreso and see if we have more in common, as for kids I don't have any yet welcome yours and someday I may want to have them yet uncertain about that still..one day at a time I guess is best way to put it bluntly...If you don't subscribe I can be reached at and we can chat, D
And finally, this may be my favorite, just for the #1 reason alone:
TOP 10 RESONS WHY YOU NEED TO GO OUT WITH MATTY
10) My parole officer says I should find a nice girl and settle down
to keep myself out of trouble.
9) My parents would finaly realize that I'm straight.
8) I always wanted to know what a "CAMPY" person is like.
7) I need someone to take the other ticket for the
monster truck rally. I need the 10 bucks.
6) Cause every girl in Massachussetts has turned me down.
5) You like tennis and it takes duce to love. Yikes
4) You like Burger king so, if you are what you eat
then your fast, cheap, and easy.(reaching here)
3) You like movies? great, I just got my home movies developed of
when I was 6 and my parents took me to New Hampshire.
2) For some reason I hear fireworks. That has something to do with
love, right?
AND THE NUMBER ONE RESON WHY YOU SHOULD DATE MATTY IS!!!!!
1) Your sitting home looking for a date on match. com on
the 4th of july.
Huggs
Matty
Old Maid FOR LIFE!!!
So back in 1995 (has it really been 16 years??!!), Singled Out premiered on MTV and I immediately gained a celebrity boyfriend. I kept wondering, "Who is this adorable and hilarious Chris Hardwick fellow? Why didn't I watch Trashed more than once? Why do I find him so funny?" I was completely hooked. I drove my family crazy commanding the TV every night from 7-7:30pm. At one point, they started having these random chats with MTV personalities on AOL from time to time. Since I knew his name on there was MTVWick, I took a random shot and sent an e-mail to that name @aol telling him that he was one of the funniest people I had ever seen. Much to my surprise and delight, he wrote back:
Obviously, I signed my e-mail with 'Pam Rose,' so the fact that he called me that put me over the moon.
Should I mention at this point that I was a 21 year-old college student when this took place, and not 13? And that I may have carried a copy of this email around in my pocket for a little while? Yeeeeeaaaahh....
Anyhoo, not long after that, MTV announced that they were going to be doing a week of Singled Out shows in NYC (they normally shot in LA), so I got my ass to NYC for the casting/info session. In order to be one of the 50 guys/girls, you had to live in NYC, but since the shows were going to be taking place in a dance hall, they were looking for a bunch of extras to dance around in the background. I couldn't sign up fast enough. So off I headed when the time came around for the shows and I ended up lucking out with the extra thing since I got to be there for all 3 episodes that they were taping that day. The contestants only did one since they had to switch them out for a fresh crop, so I spent 9 hours there pretending to dance. Seriously, no one ever needs to see me dance. However, we were told emphatically that if anyone wasn't dancing, they would be kicked out, so you'd better believe that I faked it, shuffling back and forth. DANCE, PUPPETS, DANCE!!!!
For the first show, I was stuck way up at the top of some stairs and couldn't see a thing, especially Mr. Christopher, so once there was a break between shows, I found myself a new spot over next to the DJ/"Piano Boy" and I had a perfect view for the next two shows. It also led to this:
There we are! What, is a picture not good enough? Fine.
Oh, mid-90s fashion.
During the break between the second and third show, I was just standing there waiting when someone accidentally bumped into the back of me. I turned around just as I heard a familiar voice apologizing and there he was, Mr. Chris Hardwick. I then proceeded to shake his hand for far too long, telling him that I had driven 3 hours just to come and meet him. Verbal diarrhea, anyone? Anyway, he was super-nice and I floated home on cloud nine. My dad joined me on that cloud as he had driven up with me and got to see Jenny McCarthy while he was waiting outside for me. That was his big excitement. Seriously, she was GORGEOUS.
Throughout the years following Singled Out, I kept up with the goings-on of Mr. Hardwick. Some I couldn't bring myself to watch even for him (Shipmates), some I tried a few times, but still couldn't (the awful UPN sitcom Guys Like Us), and some I enjoyed even though he was headless (House of 1000 Corpses). Also, Otis the cow. Luckily, two things happened to keep me more in the loop: G4 and social media. Now I had Attack of the Show, Web Soup, Chelsea Lately appearances, the Nerdist podcast and Twitter to keep me posted on things. I was in Hardwick heaven, laughing my ass off all the way.
In November of 2009, I went to LA to visit some friends and happened to be going the week that Web Soup was filming their hour-long special to end the first season. I got a ticket to be in the audience and my 2009 Christmas card was born:
Reunited at last. And you guys, he is seriously the nicest guy ever. And have I mentioned funny? Because I can't even handle it.
Not long after that, Chris hit the east coast for a stand-up date in NYC in March of 2010, so I got my ass down there for that. I had never seen his stand-up other than clips online and it did not disappoint. Also? This:
Which leads us to last Saturday night when he finally came the closest, to do a show in Boston. I brought my brother along and it was even funnier than the last. His tour just started, you should check him out if he comes your way. Dates are here. (Per my brother: "I've never been to a stand-up show where people made Star Trek jokes and everyone got them and laughed. Or cheered when someone mentions D&D.") And if you haven't heard any of the nerdist podcasts, I HIGHLY recommend them.
I don't know where I was going with any of this, but I guess it's all to say this: 16 years later and he is still one of the funniest people I've ever seen, one of the nicest celebs I've ever met, and one of my top 3 Celebrity Boyfriends of all time. May we have a long-lasting fake relationship.
And as for last Saturday? Boom:
Hi Hi Hi!!!!
So, what did I miss?
It appears I have returned to the blogosphere. And why now you might ask? Do I have big news and stories?? Nah, I just finally got to the point where I missed doing this. I really missed liveblogging awards shows, so last week I decided to set up a separate Twitter page for Awards Show Live Tweeting and while I was furiously typing away, I started wanting to do more. I knew only doing awards show commentary wouldn't be enough for me, so here I am!
I guess it boils down to: I miss you guys and this space.
So where do I start after being away for a year and a half? Of course, I decide to restart things a week too late on the whole Charlie Sheen thing. We could have had such fun with it, but I am Officially Over It. He should just move in with Speidi and live happily ever after in Go Away Land. Maybe I'll just spend my first few posts catching up on what's been happening. Seriously, there isn't much different. I still watch far too much TV, eat way too much candy and spend scads of money on shoes I don't need but MUST HAVE. So, in short: you didn't miss much. But let's hit on some highlights, shall we?
- First, let's start with the bad news. Something horrible did happen during my time away, so let's just deal with it now so we can move on. I don't even know where to begin or how to say it. I...they...it...WONKA STOPPED MAKING CHEWY NERDS! People, do you know of the sadness this brought upon me. I think I broke. I went to Target one day to restock and noticed that there was no longer a spot for the boxes of Chewy Nerds in their candy aisle. Obviously, I went home and did the first thing any right-minded person would do - I called Wonka. It is exactly how you imagine calling them would be, except with 100% more bad news. You get this whimsical and strange music when you call, with a dark undertone. It's like a ride on the Wonkatania without a murderous candymaker taunting you. It's a little creepy, but fun. When a woman picked up after the music, I inquired about the lack of Chewy Nerds and asked if they were still making them. She told me that they must be, but put me on hold to double-check and then she came back and was surprised herself to find that they had actually just discontinued them. She asked if I would like it noted that I was requesting that they start making them again, and I managed to somehow not scream my answer of, "YES." When I hung up, I went to my mother with my empty Chewy Nerds box in my hand and whimpered, "If I had only known it was the last one I would eat...." Thankfully, a friend tipped me off to a local Walgreens still having some of the single serving bags of Chewy Nerds, so I headed there the next day and bought the entire box of them. Then I hit a few more local stores and bought all of those as well. So now I have a stock-pile of about 50 remaining bags. (I think I started with 100.) Oh, and Wonka sent me a coupon for 25 cents. Yes, that totally makes up for EVERYTHING.
- In happier news, I bought another pair of Louboutins last year and now want to buy a pair a year. I know this is a ridiculous desire, but you never know - maybe I could meet a rich clown who lives to buy me shoes. What? IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN. In the meantime, here are my newest loves in the middle:
This was from my last Shoe-Off with Lucy Woodward. The fabulous trombone player Mr. J. Walter Hawkes got in on it and may have beaten us both with his green suede numbers.
- I've created a monster. So, around the time I retired my blog in the fall of 2009, my brother and I were discussing the whole Taylor Swift-Kanye West thing and he said that he watched her video for You Belong With Me and thought it was cute. I told him, "I think you'll like her music, I'm going to make you a sampler CD from her 2 albums." He only knew two of her songs, so I made him a little CD. 2 days later, I got a phone call from him. "I am obsessed with this Taylor Swift CD. I went online and downloaded both of her albums and I can't stop listening to them." Over the next few months, he became OBSESSED. I mean, I thought I was bad with my celebrity boyfriends, but this was far worse. And he didn't even really have a crush on her. As he says, "I'm just a big fan of her music. She's too young. I just want to hang out with her, she seems like fun. Although, if she asked me out, I wouldn't turn her down." He's on the Swifty forums every night and has her tweets go directly to her phone and his DVR is full of all of her TV appearances. Want to see her appearance on Oprah from a year ago? Go to my brother's house. Want to know ANYTHING about her? Ask him. No, seriously, he'll know. His forum stalking did have its benefits, though. When her final tour date for the Fearless Tour brought her to Gillette Stadium in June of 2010, he was in-the-know enough to get into Ticketmaster the moment they put some Pit Tickets on sale to the public, so we ended up trading up from back of the stadium seats to this:
I'd say it was worth it. AND, on the plus side, it was SUPER hot that day and I was still recovering from being sick, so I went to the little clinic room to sit and rehydrate while Bieber was performing, so I managed to miss that. Per my brother, it was just as I thought, "Ridiculous."
- While I've been away, my old ripped up Winnie the Pooh bear decided that he "had a lot to say," so I set up a Twitter page for him so he could speak his mind. Little did I know that he would be tweeting daily. You can follow him here if you so desire, or, if you'd rather read his nonsensical updates on Facebook (his tweets go there as his status), you can be his friend here. I do not know where he comes up with these things. Neither site would let him use his real name of 'Pooh Bear,' so he uses his pseudonym of 'Cen,' which is pronounced like Ken. He just doesn't spell very well.
- Remember how I was so obsessed with Ben on Lost? You guys, I TOTALLY MET BENJAMIN LINUS. I had to make a Christmas card out of it, because who wouldn't?
- Hey, remember when Paul and I went to that comic/anime convention in the summer of 2009 and took video of the weirdos? Well, we went back in 2010 and joined the weirdos in full-on costumes. It was as amazing and ridiculous as ever and we clearly need to do it again this year. I spent a lot of time last year taking pictures with people, much to Paul's chagrin as you will see in the video below. Who knew so many people wanted a piece of Wonder Woman? Anyway, here's some of what went down:
- TV. Where to start? I have 3 nights every week in which there are 3 shows on at the same time that I watch. THREE NIGHTS, people. What are the scheduling people trying to do to me?? Give Stella a break and move Top Model to Tuesday, please. American Idol moving to Wednesday and Thursday has really screwed things up. Not so much on Thursday, but it's messing with my Wednesdays. I already have Survivor, which is amazing this season, Top Model, Modern Family, Cougar Town (LOVE!) and My Strange Addiction, which - can we just talk about this show for a minute? Have you seen this? Some of them are too much or too silly and I can't watch, but the Furry and the Guy Who Is Married To His Sex Doll and the Woman Who Eats Toilet Paper? And the one who was obsessed with makeup? I really didn't see a problem with the shoe obsessed lady, and the one who was obsessed with her puppets really made me fell better about myself. Still, nothing tops the woman who ate couch cushions. "She has eaten 7 sofas and 3 chairs." GENIUS. Also? If you're not watching RuPaul's Drag Race, you should start immediately.
- Finally, I guess we should end with an update on my celebrity boyfriends. I've gotten to see my Chris Hardwick twice since I last updated and ended up with a very nice-looking Christmas card out of it. I haven't gotten my 2011 picture yet, but I'm going to see him in April, so I'll get it then. I saw Gavin at Christmastime and FINALLY got to see him jump in with the band at his bar. Out of the zillion times I've been to the bar, I've always missed his impromptu performances, so it was nice to finally witness one. (I also ran into Scarlett Johansson at the bar one night and we shared a cute moment where I caught her silly dancing. I also found myself looking at her boobs, which were smaller than I thought they would be. Girl is TINY.) Billie Joe Armstrong continues to elude me, although I did attend a cool thing in NYC in January where he gave an intimate talk at the New York Times Building. I was nice and close, but sadly, no cameras allowed and no meet and greet. One day, Billie Joe. One day. As always, Taylor Hanson continues to rock my world, and Zachary Levi continues to woo me with his nerdy charms. And Inception was great, but totally not enough Cillian Murphy. I've also managed to pick up a new celebrity boyfriend along the way - his name is Kit French and he's in the band Parachute. Most people have not heard of them, which is a shame, because they are totally fun. The lead singer Will is angling to become a full-on celeb bf as well, but he is still an "interest" right now. We'll have to keep our eye on that one. But Kit became an immediate celebrity boyfriend the moment I saw him. He looks like the love child of Taylor Hanson and my ex, the Great Love of My Life. I don't know why, but I didn't really pay attention to what the guys in the band looked like before heading to one of their concerts, so imagine my delight when Kit hit the stage. It was also a very nice coincidence that we ended up standing in the front on the end of the stage right next to where Kit is, so I spent the night looking at this:
My jaw was on the floor. We just went to see them play again two weeks ago and I made sure we stood on that side of the stage again. He is beautiful:
So that's some of what's been happening here. How are YOU?
(It feels good to be back!)
Lover of shoes, candy and boys - not necessarily in that order.
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