Last night I got together with David, T and Bryan to watch The Orphanage, a Spanish horror film from last year. I had never heard of it before seeing a picture from it last week, and that picture alone was enough to make me shoot that puppy right to the top of my Netflix DVD queue. I didn't really want to know much more going into it - I like to be fresh when I watch some movies. This one was definitely one of them. All I knew was that it was about a haunted old orphanage and that it featured a creepy kid with a scarecrow-like sack over his head. Any horror movie that features creepy children, dolls or clowns is something I will always be down for. And really, look at the picture I saw that made me want to check out The Orphanage:
Isn't that kid awesome?? I love it. (Sadly, he was only in the movie briefly in about three scenes. We spent most of the rest of the time yelling, "Where is the sackhead?" and then making unfortunate jokes about sacs and little boys.)
In honor of our viewing of the movie, David suggested that we get together a little early and make our own evil bags to wear over our heads and then take pictures of us in them. You don't have to ask me twice when an invitation like that comes along. I think we all assumed that we'd just take a couple of pictures, but once we started, we couldn't stop laughing so then we kept going and then mayhem ensued. I am still laughing about some of them. But first, here are the Baghead players:
Oh, Bagheads. You know, they're just like normal folks, sort of like the celebrities in US Magazine's 'Stars! They're Just Like Us!' feature. For example, Bagheads do laundry:
They go to the bathroom just like everyone else:
They even read Martha Stewart magazines:
And drive cars:
But they also do so, so much more. We took a bunch more pictures but I didn't want to fill up my whole page with Baghead pictures, so I decided to put them all on the next page. Click below to see the whole photo shoot - it rules.
I never thought I'd say this, but for the first time I can call my best friend Lucy a LIAR. As you all know, I've recently started a project in which I am revisiting movies from my youth to see how they hold up today, now that I'm an old lady. I was originally only going to watch movies I had previously seen, but because I got some suggestions from trustworthy (or so I thought) people, I added a few movies to the list that I hadn't had the pleasure of seeing in my younger days. The 1989 "masterpiece" Teen Witch is one of those movies, and it was enthusiastically suggested by Lucy. I believe she used the word "awesome" to describe it, while adding emphatically that I had to watch it. Since Lucy has never lied to me or steered me wrong before, I happily added it to my list. Then I watched it the other night.
People...oh my God. I immediately picked up the phone and left Lucy a voice mail yelling at her about what I just sat through. I don't believe I threatened her, but I should have, because have you seen this thing?? Apparently it was made to be a member of the Teen Wolf family, a sort of Teen Creature Cousin or something. All I know is that I sensed something very bad was about to unfold before my eyes about two minutes in, and I was right. My mind has tried to block out most of what I witnessed to preserve my sanity (what little I have of it to begin with), so I decided I would just list off the notes I jotted down while watching it to tell you about the "highlights." (Oh yes, I started taking notes as soon as our heroine stepped foot into her high school and there was a trio of rapping students there to welcome her. And not just any rappers - they were three white guys sporting blazers, popped collars and rolled up jeans and they were breakdancing poorly.) Let's take a look at my notes, shall we?
- The first one is what I just said about the hallway rappers performing a little ditty called High School Blues - now, I haven't revisited another particular movie yet (it's on the list), but I can already tell you that High School Blues is NO Babysitting Blues.
- Every so-called nerd in the school has curly red hair and giant black square-framed glasses. Oh, and the guys wear bowties. So true to high school life!
- The girls all wear tiny purple leotards to gym class - what high school has people dressing like Madonna in her Hung Up video for gym class? These things are so high-cut that there had to have been a waxer on staff. Gee, don't I feel foolish for wearing shorts and a t-shirt to gym class in 1989. OH - and then in the locker room, the head cheerleader decides to play a new song that she made a routine up for and the scene turns into a full-fledged Busby Berkeley-style dance sequence. I was literally looking at my TV and asking, "What is going on right now?" Then I shook my fist at Lucy.
- The "hunk" of the movie actually pulls a Fonz and hits the school's soda machine to get the witch's stuck can to come out. AY!
- What the hell is up with her pig-looking douchebag of a brother? (My notes actually say this. He's awful.)
- Okay, so our friend the Teen Witch casts a spell to make herself the most popular girl in school. So how do we know that she now is? Well, everyone is following her around, the girls are all copying her hairstyle, and there are BANNERS ALL OVER THE SCHOOL with her name on them. Some just say "Louise," but others say things like "We Love Louise" or "Louise Rocks." What principal is allowing this to happen? And seriously, they are everywhere. There's a whole popular girl montage that is just utterly ridiculous. At one point, she has to sneak out the back door of her house because there is a giant crowd of students on her lawn with signs proclaiming their love for her. They are even chanting, "We want Louise! We want Louise!" WTF? Who wrote this shit?
- In one scene, Teen Witch Louise finally gets to go on a romantic outing with her dream guy, "hunk" Brad, and he leads her upstairs in this abandoned house where he stands there shirtless and does all kinds of ridiculous poses like he is in the International Male catalog. I actually think I had a poster of one of those poses when I was in 9th grade. He was on a bike.
- Teen Witch stars the awesome Zelda Rubinstein, who many of you may know from the Poltergeist movies. She's the creepy short woman who always plays a psychic. And surprise, she's playing one again here. However, she is also CLEARLY reading her lines in some scenes, which is a shame, because as I mentioned, Zelda is awesome. (Now Robyn Lively, on the other hand, cannot be forgiven as easily as she was also in Dream a Little Dream 2, which recently earned the title of The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen.)
- Countdown to the time when a character finally utters the phrase "Geez, Louise" after all of the mayhem that the Teen Witch is causing? About 58 minutes. Wow, I thought it would be sooner than that.
- Romantic date #2 with hunky Brad, in which he actually takes her out on the lake in a rowboat. A rowboat - really? Bleah.
- What in the world are these people wearing to the prom??? Spandex mini-dresses? What?! Bolo ties and jeans? To the prom? Is that a turtleneck and a cotton skirt? WHAT?!!
- Ow, wow - this kissing scene is one of the least attractive I've ever seen. What messy kissers. Why is it going on so long? Why can't either one of them kiss? Is this a joke? This is disgusting.
And then, the movie just kind of ends abruptly. There's the climax, but no denouement - it just...ends. And things aren't explained all too clearly, which doesn't really matter, because it's stupid to begin with. What a stupid and ridiculous movie.
Since I didn't see it in my youth and hold no nostalgic value to it, I am giving this one a DEFINITE does not hold up. At all. It's awful. YOU MUST SEE IT. Seriously, it has to be seen to be believed. Especially since there is a musical version of it in the works. I am not even kidding.
Behold, the trailer:
Here is some of the Popular Girl montage - and seriously, this is an actual un-doctored scene from the movie, and not a Robin Sparkles video:
RENT IT.
P.S. I will get you, Lucy! (She is still claiming that it's good, although she hasn't seen it since 1991. I'm making her watch it again and see if she still backs up that claim.)
"Did anyone ever tell you that you have the face of a Botticelli and the body of a Degas?"
This line, along with the business of Robert Downey Jr. putting old parking tickets on his windshield so he wouldn't get any more are the only two things that I remembered from this movie. I believe the only time I saw it was in the theater when it came out in 1987, and I really don't remember that it wasn't actually a romantic comedy as I had thought. Now wouldn't this trailer for it make you think it was? (I love that he was still going by 'Robert Downey then.):
So yeah - the movie ended up being more of a drama with some cute parts. Would you know that it was about Molly Ringwald trying to help her alcoholic father pay off his mob debt from that trailer? Of course, this is all happening while Robert Downey Jr. is trying to woo her, but still. And there are crazy amounts of people in it - some had small roles, but still. You get Dennis Hopper, Harvey Keitel, Victoria Jackson, Vanessa Williams, Danny Aiello and Lorraine Bracco in addition to Ringwald and my boy Robert.
So does it hold up? Pretty much. It's fun seeing Robert Downey Jr. all young and manic and Molly Ringwald looks gorgeous. It didn't knock my socks off, but it was pleasantly entertaining. Not too bad at all!
And thank you all for the awesome suggestions - I've added quite a few more to my list. Next up? The Flamingo Kid. I remember absolutely nothing from that one. Stay tuned!
Last night I went to see Teddy Geiger play in Boston, and it all started out fine, but then I turned creepy as only I can. I had forgotten that I had such a history of creepitude with Mr. Geiger until I looked back at my post from the first time I saw him in concert two years ago and afterwards he distracted me with some innocent fondling. Oh, good times. Look at me back then, I'm all, "A 17-year old hot ass boy is groping my waist. Score!":
But really, he was going to be 18 in about a weeks time, so I think I was fine for my dirty thoughts. That also led to the classic comment by Lucy that I still use sometimes: "The D.A. isn't going to hassle you over a week or two." HA! I love that.
Anyway, so yes - for most of you who aren't in the know, Teddy is a now 19, almost 20 year-old musician who has INSANELY blue eyes and had two hits in 2006. He's mostly big with teen girls, but there were a few guys there at the show last night. I personally know some guys who are into his tunes, but they keep it on the down low. (You can listen to some on his MySpace page.) He's about to release his next album in August, and recorded 33 songs for it that he is letting his fans vote on and the top 11 will make the album. So you get to build your own album, which is pretty cool. It's just like Choose Your Own Adventure! Did I just lose people with that reference? Man, I used to love those books. Anyhoo, in addition to the whole music thing, Teddy is also an actor. He first came onto the scene in the short-lived TV show Love Monkey, but all the teen girls will know who he is come July 30th when he co-stars in the Rainn Wilson movie The Rocker. Teddy plays the lead singer in the band that Rainn Wilson's character joins. Check it:
Hopefully after that movie comes out in two weeks, I won't have to explain him to as many people. So there's your little history lesson on Teddy Geiger. Now, on to me being creepy. Paul was laughing at me all night last night, but I don't know why he kept telling me I was a creep. I mean, really, what could he have been referring to?
In my defense, I took that because I was fascinated by Teddy's lack of an ass. He had one the last time I saw him - what happened?
Anyway, so the show was really good last night. I probably had at least ten years on 95% of the mostly-female crowd, but I didn't care. You see, us old ladies are wise - but I'll get to that. When Paul and I got there, it was about 15 minutes before the opener and there was still plenty of room to find a spot to watch the show. It was a smaller crowd last night and there are really no bad places in the club where it was, so wherever we went was going to be fine. There was still room along the front of the stage, so I led Paul to the end on the left-hand side, right in front of a kitty-cornered piano. This way I could lean against the stage and hold onto the piano leg, and we could put our drinks down on the corner of the stage where the piano was angled. Paul also used it as a seat for part of the night. You see, this was the awesome part - there was no security pit between the crowd and the stage - we were right up against it. And even though the crowd was mostly 18 year-old squeeing girls, they weren't all crowded in and gave everyone room to move. I like it like that. No pushing, no feeling like a sardine. The girl next to me never even came close to touching me. It was fantastic. And with the exception of being in the security pit with my press pass for the first 3 songs of the Hanson show I reviewed, I have never been this close at a concert ever. (We were in the front row for the last Gavin show I was at, but there was a relatively large security pit between the crowd and the stage.) And the reason I was so close? Well, this is where Smart Old Lady Pam comes in.
First off, I decided to say "screw it" to all of the youngins and wore some 4 1/2 inch heels so I would have a good view of the show. (And let's face it, so Teddy would see me. What? I told you I was a creep already.) However, there was also a method to my madness. Most of the crowd was gathered front and center and on the other side of the stage from where we were, I believe because of the large upright piano over on our end that would obscure views. However, I went over near the piano because A) There was still room right at the edge of the piano with a full view of the stage, B) I was wearing my tall shoes so I didn't have the obscured view problem, and C) I know things because I am old and wise. Or maybe just because I've been to a Teddy Geiger show before. But I don't even think you have to have seen Teddy before to know one thing if you are a fan enough to go to his concert: Teddy plays guitar AND piano. So while he may spend half of the concert playing songs front and center on his guitar...
...that also means that he's going to spend the other half of the concert playing songs on the piano that is conveniently situated directly in front of me. And I mean I was touching the piano. And since it was an upright and not a grand piano, Teddy was two feet away from me for half of the show. And since Paul felt weird and ducked down a little when Teddy would come to the piano, and there was no one next to Paul, I was the only person right in front of the piano so every time Teddy looked up, he saw This Jackass first. Me and my big-ass shoes and perhaps two or three girls behind me, but there were only a handful near us. Most were closer to center stage, so there was pretty much just my big head to see in the crowd during piano time, all, "Hi Teddy!" (I didn't say that, just thought it. I think that was a wise move on my part.) So of course, when he came to the piano, I would whip out my camera. This is when Paul started with the creep-calling because I would do this weird thing where I would kind of just nonchalantly raise the camera up with my right hand while still watching the show all, "la la la" and I would just be snapping away. Since I didn't want to be any more of a disturbance outside of my face right in his, I didn't use my flash so I wouldn't be blinding poor Teddy the whole time. The lack of flash gave me some pretty cool and arty/funky pictures. These were all without a zoom, people:
I love that one. Such a fun action shot.
So yeah - that was my view for half of the concert. (Teddy would play a couple of songs on each instrument and then switch and so on.) And like I said, it was just me in the immediate front, so it was like my own little private concert. It was pretty awesome, but it did start to get a little uncomfortable after a while because Teddy kept looking up at me because I was right freaking there. So then I'm thinking in my head, "What do I do? Do I just keep singing along? What about the words I don't know? What do I do then? Do I paste a smile on? Do I try to look cool? How does one even look cool? AAGGHH!" So much pressure! Apparently, at some points I didn't realize that my mind decided to stray on me and do things I wasn't aware of, such as look at Teddy lustily and like I wanted to do really naughty things to him. Paul was more than happy to point this out to me. I was mortified, but still - I did want to do some naughty things to that boy. That is just so wrong, too. I mean, he was born in 1988. Oh God, I am a CREEP. Yet - that is legal. He's going to be hitting his twenties in 2 months, so that's all right with me. Wow, I should really stop talking right now. Why don't you look at this picture that Paul took of me being all creepy during the show and forget all those things I just said:
Wow, that didn't help. Okay, here I am with Paul, rocking out with the 18 year-old girls:
Then there are the fun pictures I like to call "Hey, Teddy Geiger Is Looking Right Into My Camera. Hi, Teddy!":
He is too cute.
And in terms of the concert, Teddy sounded fantastic. He's really good live. Here's a little mini-montage of some short video clips I took during the show:
Seriously, it was so cool to be that close, even if it did turn me a little momentarily creepy. But you know I'm a sucker for those musician boys who play piano and guitar. Now go see The Rocker on July 30th and tell me that you don't think his eyes are crazy amazing. You'll feel a little creepy, too.
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HA! Moment of the Day: When I was looking at that blog entry from '06 earlier, I laughed out loud at work when I read the following statement that I wrote:
"Now, I’m a person who respects the personal space of others (unless your name is Gavin DeGraw)...."
I love that I already knew in September of 2006 that when I finally met Gavin some day, I would invade his personal space. Your honor, I would like to submit Exhibit A from when I did finally meet Gavin for the first time in January 2008:
Oh man, you guys have sent in some fantastic suggestions for my experiment of watching movies from my youth to see if they hold up today. Keep them coming! Just leave me a comment or drop me an e-mail.
So here is what I have in my Netflix Queue so far: The Flamingo Kid, Eddie & The Cruisers (and the sequel - that is never a good sign), Teen Witch, Cloak & Dagger, Summer School, Top Secret!, Stand By Me, The Secret of My Success, Adventures in Babysitting, Short Circuit, War Games, Blind Date, Back to School, Spies Like Us, The Cannonball Run, Spaceballs, Three Amigos, Mannequin, The Private Eyes, Transylvania 6-5000, Soul Man, Hiding Out, Breakin' & Breakin' II: Electric Boogaloo, Lucas, Some Kind of Wonderful, The Karate Kid, Desperately Seeking Susan, The 'Burbs, Who's That Girl?, Purple Rain, Big Business, Mr. Mom, The Money Pit, Loverboy, Moving Violations, Modern Problems, One Crazy Summer, and Seems Like Old Times. What else should I revisit? I'm open to things I haven't seen before as well (I only have two on the list so far, Teen Witch and Moving Violations.)
So last month I got the idea of re-watching movies from my youth to see if they hold up now that I'm an old lady and all. This came about after I re-watched Dream a Little Dream and subsequently scarred my mind by watching the sequel. The horror, people. THE HORROR.
Anyway, after that I had some things going on for a few weeks, so the only movie I was able to squeeze in was the George Hamilton horror-movie spoof Love at First Bite. I was quite wary going into that one, but surprisingly, it was still pretty good. It's a bit dated, but anything made in 1979 is going to be. Outside of that, it was rather enjoyable. Arte Johnson is cute as Rrrrrrenfield, and it's the whitest I've ever seen George Hamilton, who is pretty fantastic in it. I think the last time I saw the movie was when I was about 8 or 10, so all I remembered was the scene when a family thinks that the vampire bat is a black chicken and try to catch it to eat it. Aside from that, I remembered nothing, so the movie was a pleasant surprise.
After I watched that, I still had some things going on, but now everything has mostly calmed down so I am able to commit myself fully to this whole business. I've got 25 movies waiting in my Netflix queue, and I'm going to try to watch at least one a week if I can. I'm also looking for additional suggestions to add to the list, so leave those in the comments! There are some movies that I see all the time or that I own that I know hold up, so I won't be revisiting those. Some of these are: Better Off Dead, which is my all-time favorite movie, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, Foul Play, Midnight Madness, The Goonies, Say Anthing, Dirty Dancing, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, The Breakfast Club, License to Drive, and both Airplane! movies. Some things are just classics. But do leave me some suggestions - let's see what you've got!
Now, back to business. This week I watched Teen Wolf
, a movie that I had completely forgotten anything about. And you know what? Teen Wolf is still a damn good movie. It actually holds up! Sure, Michael J. Fox and most of the other actors (guy who plays Stiles, I'm looking at you) look far too old to be in high school, but that's how Hollywood rolls. I'm not going to go back and re-watch the Teen Wolf cartoon now - don't be crazy - but the movie is still quite good. And seeing that the movie was so good, the people involved should have just left it at that instead of bringing us Teen Wolf Too two years later. And I really should have left it at the first one myself, but the DVD came as a double feature of both movies, so I decided to kill some free time today and watch the sequel. I had never seen in before, and I adore Jason Bateman, so I figured, "How bad could it be?"
People - it is bad.
And I was still so optimistic at the beginning when I noticed that it was written by Tim Kring, aka The Creator of Heroes, and I was thrilled to see Kim Darby in it, aka The Mom from Better Off Dead, but my optimism quickly faded as the movie started to turn into a really bad ripoff and attempted replication of the first movie. First of all, only two of the five characters that are in both movies are played by the same actors, and the recasting of the others was not good. Stiles has turned into I don't even know what. And both movies have the same formula and plot, but it was done much better in the first one. There is just NO originality in the sequel whatsoever. It just copies the first, but makes small changes so it won't be completely identical, but the changes are not good.
The sequel is the story of Todd Howard, who is the cousin of Michael J. Fox's character in the original. He's starting college on an athletic scholarship that he got even though he has never played a sport in his life and was a band geek. He's a science nerd and wants to be a veterinarian. If he's such a smarty-pants nerd, shouldn't he really be questioning how he got the scholarship? And it's for BOXING, which - really? Do a lot of colleges have a large boxing team? This one sure filled the gymnasium with fans. Boxing???!! So of course, the coach knows that Todd has werewolves in his family, so he chose him even though neither of Todd's parents were werewolves and he has never shown any signs. You know, of course, that this is when Todd suddenly starts going all wolf-y. He even has the same First-Sign-Of-The-Wolf-style showdown with a cranky old lady in the college registration office like Michael J. Fox had with the cranky old man in the liquor store in the first movie with the whole red eyes and demonic voice demanding something that no one else was able to get before them. I actually said to my TV, "Seriously? This again?"
And really, let's get back to the boxing thing again because my head is still swimming. Now, the whole werewolf playing basketball thing in the first one was bad enough, but it was charming enough that I was able to suspend my disbelief for it. However, I really don't think anyone is going to say that a college boy boxing a werewolf is fair ir even remotely safe. Yet there they are, letting the werewolf beat the shit out of kids and send them flying over the ropes into tables and such. So ridiculous. And why do all of the women immediately go crazy for the wolfmen? It's not like he turned into George Clooney, people. He's a WOLFMAN, and I'm talking a werewolf here, not like Wolfman Jack, who, conicidentally, ruled. What is the attraction to a hairy bastard with fangs and long fingernails? That's what would have done me in right there - guys with long fingernails give me the heebie-jeebies. But seriously - Michael J. Fox and Jason Bateman are both adorable guys - why are they only attractive to most of the women when covered in fur and wearing leisure suits? AND, in Bateman's case, performing a song and dance number to the classic tune Do You Love Me. No, really - he does that. And, to top it all off, both of them turn into royal douchebags when they become the wolf. Ladies, you all need help. Little nerdy Michael J. Fox and Jason Bateman is what it's all about, not some jackass wolf. I mean, Bateman grew up to be Michael Effing Bluth, for crying out loud!
Ahem.
Sorry about that. Anyway, the bottom line is that if you're looking for a fun movie from your past to re-watch, definitely go for Teen Wolf. If you're looking for a really bad rip-off of Teen Wolf that is painful to even sit through in some parts, make someone you don't like very much watch the sequel. I mean, come on - a BOXING WOLF??? That's just illegal.
Next up: The Pick-Up Artist. And don't forget to leave your suggestions for movies in the comments!
Now that Summer TV has arrived and my viewing schedule has been whittled down to almost nothing, I have been spending some of my free nights watching DVDs. Some are TV shows that I’m re-watching or finally catching for the first time, while some are movies starring Cillian Murphy during which I spend all of my time staring at him and responding to his dialogue with outbursts of, “My God, look at him,” and “Why are you so hot?!” instead of paying attention to the actual plot (my recent re-watching of Batman Begins was a bit easier as he isn’t in too many scenes to distract me.). However, I have also decided to pepper my Netflix Queue with some movies from my youth that I haven’t seen in ages to see how they hold up now that I’m an old lady and all.
First on my list was Dream a Little Dream, which wasn’t really chosen to see how it held up, but more to see if I could understand it any better. I had only seen the movie once in the theater during its opening weekend back in 1989, so I didn’t remember too much about it. What I did recall was Corey Haim having red hair and a broken leg and not being in it much, Jason Robards being old and crotchety, and Corey Feldman dressing up and dancing like Michael Jackson. Aside from those minor details, the one big thing I remembered was walking out of the theater not knowing what the hell the movie was about - it made no sense. I didn’t know if I was too blinded by my love for Corey Haim to figure out what was going on, but as I said, he wasn’t in it that much, so I decided that 19 years later, it was time for me to know what the hell that movie was about. Oh my God.
Do you guys know how BAD that movie is? How did I not know that? It had to definitely be the Haim factor clouding things. I mean, it was no Lost Boys or License to Drive, which explains the lack of repeat viewings, but I don’t remember thinking it was horrible, just not “great.” I think it must have been the cloud of the Haim, or maybe I hadn’t really grasped the concept of a bad movie yet, because that movie is HORRIBLE. I was sitting there watching it, just saying to my TV, “This is so bad…I can’t believe how bad this is…This is actually embarrassing – I feel bad for them…Why am I still watching this? Oh God, OH MY GOD.”
Some observations and thoughts:
- First of all, the movie still didn’t make complete sense, but it did a little bit more than it used to, so I felt better about that. However, there are still many WTF things about it all.
- Secondly, Corey Haim is still the best part of the movie – he may not be in it much, but those are the scenes I didn’t actually mind watching. His character doesn’t really serve much of a purpose at all, but I think they just needed another Corey/Corey movie so they stuck him in there. In any case, I remember why I had his Teen Beat and Big Bopper posters all over my room – boy was adorable. [Piper Laurie gets an honorable mention for making it through the movie relatively unscathed as well.]
- That Michael Jackson dance scene? Oy. Even worse than I remembered. I believe this took place around the time when Feldman was always hanging around the Neverland Ranch. Poor Meredith Salenger for having to pretend to enjoy that nonsense – that was some good acting by that girl there.
- Okay, so Jason Robards is into some existential dream-state shit and while he and his wife are on the lawn in their pajamas meditating or performing voodoo or whatever, Corey Feldman comes barreling through the yard on his bike and smashes into his crush (played by Meredith Salenger and her ripped acid-washed jeans), somehow causing Jason Robards to disappear and take over Corey Feldman’s body. With no body for Corey Feldman’s character to take over, he then exists in the dreams of the old man, who is trapped in Feldman’s body. So it’s like Freaky Friday and 18 Again and Vice Versa except that we don’t get the indignity of Jason Robards trying to act like a teenager because HE DISAPPEARS into thin air. Make sense? No? Exactly. Did I mention that at the same time, the old man’s wife also disappears? Old Man/Corey Feldman believes that she has taken over Meredith Salenger’s body, but it never really makes it clear if that completely took place. There are only hints of the old lady in there – the rest is Salenger. SO – when Old Man/Feldman (OM/F) wakes up the next day, he goes looking for his wife. As soon as he utters the dialogue asking, “Where is she,” a song on the soundtrack kicks in, repeating, “Where is she?” It is ridiculous, yet hilarious at the same time. The song then resurfaces a few times throughout the movie, sometimes just popping up to echo a brief, “Where is she,” and sometimes just appearing in instrumental form while Corey Feldman looks plaintive and really thinking, “Where is she?” Of course, I started singing along after a while, laughing all alone like an ass while desperately pleading, “Wheeeeere is she?” I may need to download that song now. [Also featured in the movie a couple of times is Michael Damian’s hit cover version of Rock On, which I can say nothing bad about because he is Danny Romalotti and I loved that song.]
- The bullies at school (I can’t imagine why Corey Feldman would be getting bullied, what with the Michael Jackson thing and all) are all quite fond of calling everyone queers and fags, which was kind of jarring as I’m not used to really hearing that in movies anymore. No uses of ‘gaylord,” though. - At the end, Corey Feldman tries to get Meredith Salenger to recreate the meditation/voodoo shit on the lawn, but they get interrupted and it’s TOO LATE! because there is some sort of deadline before the old man’s wife is gone forever and Jason Robards gets stuck on Corey Feldman’s body, that hooligan! But it’s TOO LATE! The sadness…the woe! But then the next morning everyone is back in their own bodies and Jason Robards and his wife reappear. There is absolutely no explanation why. Everyone is just all happy and hunky dory and go on their merry ways. HOW? WHY?? WTF?! Oh, and Corey Feldman still goes on to dress up like Michael Jackson and dance like an asshole. But we’ll get to that…. So – in summation: I still don’t understand the ending or why the people disappeared, Corey Haim rocks (even with red hair and not much else to do in the movie), everyone is a queer, and “Where is she?” It’s just awful. You should watch it.
After I had recovered from the shock of how bad Dream a Little Dream actually was now that I had seen it as an adult, I remembered that they had made a straight-to-video sequel six years later (?!). I went online to see what in the world they could have continued in terms of that storyline and found this opening line of the plot summary: “Dinger and Bobby's adventure starts when a pair of magical sunglasses arrive at the door.” I didn’t even read any further – I just hit the magic “Add” button and put that shit on the top of my queue. I was sold on the phrase “magical sunglasses” alone. Besides, how much worse could this thing be than the original?
Friends – this makes the first one look Oscar-worthy. It is just…oh…I can’t even explain how bad it is. Actually, I can, because it now holds the title of The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen, and let me tell you right now, I have seen some bad movies (for the curious, that title was previously held by Jack Frost 2).
So how exactly do you make a sequel to Dream a Little Dream (which wasn’t even a hit to begin with)? You don’t, really. This movie has almost nothing to do with the first one aside from the fact that the Coreys play the same characters (even down to the dyed-red hair for Haim) and they mention the old man because he is the one who sends them the magical sunglasses…YEARS AFTER HIS DEATH. Dun dun dun! (Any sane person would have turned the movie off at about the 5-minute mark, but when they started talking about the old man, I foolishly believed that they would explain the first movie better – they tease, and you think they will, but they never do.) Also, Corey Haim’s character has taken to researching some of the same existential dream-state shit as the old man even though his character had nothing to do with any of it in the first movie. By the way, Corey Haim remains absent from most of this movie as well, and he is still the only good thing about any of the scenes he is in, even if he is paunchy.
Once again, some observations and thoughts:
- Upon watching this movie, I started to wonder how Corey Feldman had a successful career prior to this. His acting is horrific – it’s like watching someone performing in a local commercial. I felt like I was trapped at an elementary school play or something. I couldn’t believe it. Then I started to worry that I was crazy – but no, he was good in The Goonies, right? Steven Spielberg wouldn’t be this blind, would he? It was all very bizarre. And the movie is ALL Feldman’s fault, too. His name is all over the credits, including him being one of the producers. Did I mention that he wrote some songs and “performs” them? One plays over the opening credits and it is like listening to goats having sex. I was actually sitting in front of my TV with my hand covering my mouth in horror and disbelief.
- Corey Haim winds up in jail, where he meditates/performs voodoo/whatever with a biker so he can try to communicate with Corey Feldman through his dreams.
- Corey Feldman dreams about and then meets a street preacher and proceeds to get up on the preacher’s box and out-preach him. This has nothing to do with the rest of the movie, except that the preacher is outside of a building Feldman needs to go to. Basically, this movie is Corey Feldman’s love letter to himself, because there are many scenes that have no purpose except to show how Corey Feldman thinks that he is awesome. Of course, all these scenes further prove is that he is not awesome, but actually a giant, massive tool.
- The “magical sunglasses” are actually a set of two – the wearer of one pair can make the person wearing the other pair do whatever he/she wants. So what do other people want Corey Feldman to do? Why dress up like Michael Jackson and dance around like an asshole. AGAIN. SIX YEARS AFTER IT WASN’T COOL THE FIRST TIME. Years after Michael Jackson stopped being even remotely relevant, actually. When that scene started, I literally threw my hands up in the air and shouted that this could not possibly be appearing on my TV screen. But sadly, it was. Even worse? He was “singing” this time, and it was another one the songs he must have written for the movie. The lyrics even include the expected line, “Come on and dream a little dream of me.”
Feldman – what happened, man? I mean, I never really liked you that much to begin with – I was always a Haim girl, but this really, really made me want to find you and slap you.
The rest of the movie is just as shit-tastic, but rather than try to explain it, I believe the trailer for it does most of the talking, as it pretty much shows you the entire movie in 2 minutes. And fear not, the Michael Jackson dance and song is featured front and center:
Just think - that trailer actually makes the movie look a lot better than it is. You don't even want to know the horrors of the actual full-length thing. The memory haunts me.
Final verdict: For an enjoyable "I can't believe this movie is so bad" experience, watch the first one. Then tell me what the hell is going on. In terms of the sequel, that two-minute trailer is more than anyone ever needs to see. I wouldn't wish the full-length movie on my worst enemy.
Next up in Movies Pam Hasn't Seen Since She Was Young And Is Now Re-Watching As An Adult: Love at First Bite - I think I saw this when I was about 8 years old and only remember one scene of it. Oh lord, what am I in for?
Okay, let's see if we can get through this - I honestly don't know if I'll make it if there is a lot of Mike Myers and Love Guru crap, but I shall try valiantly. (Updates every 10 minutes or so.)I'm watching this with my brother, so hopefully he'll keep me sane. Let's do this:
- Opening - Oh, Mike Myers - I remember when you were funny and relevant. What the hell happened??
- Chris Brown - BRO: What is that outfit? What is this, the Michael Jackson reunion/victory tour?
- Dance Off! - Well, who doesn't enjoy a good dance off? Especially when there is The Robot involved.
- Jason Bateman! I will see anything he is in.
- Glad to see Ellen Page got all dressed up for the occasion. I know it's the MTV Awards and all, but couldn't you have found a shirt that wasn't ripped?
- I like the exterminator guy!
- Okay, so it's only 10 minutes in - who do you think will swear during the live broadcast? I'm going with Andy Dick. BRO: If he's there. ME: He's ALWAYS there.
- Will Ferrell always makes everything better - let's see if that stays true tonight...and...yes.
- Best Fight - Never Back Down? What is that, and why does it look like Fight Club? And it won? Wait, what the hell is that movie? Why have I never heard of it? Who are these people?
- Hi, Zac Efron! BRO: And his fake girlfriend. ME: Who looks exactly like Mila Kunis.
- Paris Hilton and Benji Madden - gross.
- Edward Norton! I love him. BRO: I can't believe he's actually doing promotion for The Hulk. ME: I love him and all, but that movie looks questionable. Why can't they just use Lou Ferrigno again?
- Coldplay. Snack break!
- Commercials - Ugh, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt - I've never even seen The Hills and I can't stand their asses. AAAGH! Pete Wentz! As if they couldn't make it any worse, they just did. BRO: It's pretty sad when MTV has to make commercials promoting the fact that they play videos now.
- James Franco! If you haven't seen his hilarious 'Acting With James Franco' shorts, get thee to Funnyordie.com RIGHT now. Oh damn, it was Franco dropping the 'shit' first. Who would've guessed that one? Man, he's hot.
- Robert Downey, Jr.! Yay! My mother's friend is a big moviegoer, and she didn't want to go see Iron Man because she doesn't like Robert Downey, Jr. Who doesn't like Robert Downey, Jr.?? That's Un-American! Ooh, Favreau just referenced Chewbacca getting the Lifetime Achievement Award a few years ago - that is still my favorite Movie Awards moment.
- BRO: Where's Dane Cook? Doesn't MTV love him, or have they finally figured out that he's not funny?
- First Mike Myers post-commercial short - ...And not funny. As expected. This is endless.
- Jennifer Hudson and her GIANT rack. Girl, put those things away!! She's also either an Amazon or else Sarah Jessica Parker is 4 feet tall.
- BRO: Where's Shia?
- Will Smith, Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler just win whatever the hell they are up for when it comes to these shows. Come on, people - Cera should have won that.
- Commercials - Wanted - I can't wait to see that.
- Wayne's World?! Okay, for once I can say...YES! Love Dana Carvey. Mike Myers should just host like this the whole night and then we wouldn't have a problem. Is it too late for the producers to just change it over to this all night? Zac Efron has no idea what is going on right now. Awww. So young! Mike Myers - please just do this all night long.
- What the hell is Anne Hathaway wearing? That is in no way flattering.
- Johnny HOTNESS Depp, looking young and AMAZING. Wow. I...he...wow. I love all of the women stars flipping out in the audience. Diablo Cody, girl - rush that stage!
- Tom Cruise presenting Adam Sandler with the MTV Generation Award - have we time-traveled back to 1996? MTV is always so late in the game. Tom Cruise looks young, man. He looks like Top Gun Cruise right about now. Maybe we have really time-traveled. Stop calling him "Sandman." Please. I love that they included a clip from Remote Control in the Adam Sandler montage.
- BRO: What would Rob Schneider do without Adam Sandler? He'd have no career.
- Commercials - Oh my God, I HATE this Secret commercial with the confident girl raising her arms. BRO: I'm going to punch this girl in the face. That old man is thinking, "You bitch."
- Tropic Thunder promo meeting short - okay, this is really funny, even if Jack Black is in it. You know why this is still funny with him in it? Because Robert Downey, Jr. is MAGIC. Tropic Thunder looks funny, too. This is proving why Robert Downey, Jr. was once a cast member on SNL. Stiller, too. I still love Ben Stiller's show that was on FOX. He needs to bring that stuff back, because The Heartbreak Kid was AWFUL. Like, I was personally insulted awful.
- P. Diddy is endlessly annoying.
- Breakthrough performance - gotta be Efron. Yup! Tweens wouldn't let their boy lose. Bet On It should win him EVERY award, in my opinion.
- Best Villain - gotta be Depp. Yes! Girls in the audience? Still going apeshit. Depp? Still looking foxariffic.
- Pussycat Dolls - BRO: This song kind of sucks, huh? ME: Yup.
- Rainn Wilson! Side note about his upcoming movie, The Rocker - I have to see it because Teddy Geiger is in it. Anyhoo, Best Kiss - gotta be Juno. Step Up 2?? What? This is ridiculous. BRO: What the heck is that movie? Who are you people?
- Mike Myers animal wrangler short - he is the worst part of this whole thing. Elijah Wood - you should know better than this.
- Robert Downey, Jr. and Ben Stiller should do more things together - they bring out the best in each other.
- National Treasure 2 is up for best movie? Seriously?
- Megan Fox with the f-bomb. Didn't see that one coming, either.
- It's over? Wow, that actually wasn't too bad. At all. Mark Burnett produced it?? Maybe that's why it wasn't that bad. And, to quote my brother, "At least Mike Myers didn't do the Love Guru." AMEN. See y'all next time!
Since I am sick and did not do a full recap of the Oscars this year, I do feel the need to chime in with my two cents about a few quick things (overall, the show was relatively boring, but I did enjoy a few of the upsets):
1. MILEY CYRUS??? - Why, why, WHY was she a presenter? Does her concert qualify as a movie? Because I think not. Her inclusion is reminiscent of Diddy's a couple of years ago. WTF, Oscars? You couldn't have thrown me a Casey Affleck bone here?
2. Regis calling Javier Bardem "Xavier" - I didn't watch most of the pre-show, but I did see the last two or three minutes, which concluded with Regis Philbin going up to Javier Bardem and addressing him as Xavier Bardem. Why do we let Regis near these things? He should really stick to his fluffy morning show where his viewers are MUCH more forgiving of his mistakes. And really, he's doing the Oscar pre-show and doesn't know the name of the shoo-in for best supporting actor? I WANT HIS JOB NEXT YEAR.
3. The Best Song noms - I believe this is the only category this year in which I saw all of the nominees. (Yeah, I saw August Rush - I will see ANYTHING that Keri Russell is in. Also, I love Freddie Highmore, but prefer him with his natural British accent.) Anyway, I was disappointed to hear that Amy Adams was only going to be performing one of her two songs from Enchanted. However, I was quite relieved (and thrilled) to see that La Chenoweth would be filling in for her on the second number (and not, say, BEYONCE. Remember that year when she sang everything for no reason? I still shudder thinking about it.). I do love me some Chenoweth. Also, I was pleased that the song from Once won - that song was my favorite part of that movie.
4. Helen Mirren's dress - That thing was awesome.
Other than that, I don't have too much to say since I didn't see most of the nominated films and performances in the major categories. Out of all of the acting and best picture nominees, I saw 4 of them: Juno, Ellen Page, Johnny Depp, and Amy Ryan, so I can't really weigh in on who won/who I thought should have won (although Amy Ryan was kickass, and Johnny Depp needs to get an Oscar at some point - although he probably should have gotten it a few years back for Captain Jack.).
So what did y'all think? Erin G. is calling shenanigans on No Country's win for Best Picture - what about you?
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